More jokes added at 11:00 a.m. P.S.T., at items 15 in the list.
Okay, folks, it’s time for what will be, I hope a change — a change from the fear of telling Obama jokes. Consider this post a respository for any jokes you make up or that come your way regarding Obama. Clean jokes only. Race can be part of the joke, but no racial slurs, please. Same for anti-Muslim slurs.
Whether you get the joke to me via a comment to this post, or via email, I’ll publish the joke (or the link to someone else’s joke) in this post. Then, I’ll republish the post so it’s at the top of my blog. I’ll get the ball rolling with a renewed link to the Borowitz joke about the absence of Obama’s joke, as well as Mkfreeberg’s addition to Borowitz’s very funny oevre of non-humor humor:
Obama Releases List of Approved Jokes About Himself
Bid to Help Late Night Comics
Saying he is “sympathetic to late night comedians’ struggle to find jokes to make about me,” Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) today issued a list of official campaign-approved Barack Obama jokes.
The five jokes, which Sen. Obama said he is making available to all comedians free of charge, are as follows:
[Read the rest here].
2. mkfreeberg’s add on (and you’ll have to read the Borowitz joke to get this one):
If I learn French and buy some carbon credits can I become a Good Person(TM) again?
3. Gotta have the New Yorker cover, the worst back-firing joke in history:
4. The only difference between Osama and Obama is BS.
5. Have you heard? Obama’s campaign has made a deal with Birkenstocks. They’re going to come out with a line of flip-flops called “Barakenstocks!”
6. From NRO:
Barack Obama walks into a bar.
“I’ll have a club soda,” he says to the bartender. “But it’s not because I secretly belong to a religion that forbids the consumption of alcohol, and I think your raised eyebrow in response to my order fueled some misconceptions about me.”
7. And again from NRO:
Barack Obama walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, “What’ll you have, Mr. Obama?” Barack beams at him, “Why don’t call me Mr. Obama, good barkeep. Call me Barry. I’ll have a Tom Collins.” Obama takes out a sawbuck and places it on the bar as the bartender returns with his drink. Obama looks at it then looks at the bartender and grins. “Thanks,” he says as his lifts the glass and takes a sip. His grin vanishes as he sprays the liquid onto the bartender. Wiping his face, the bartender, growls, “What’s the matter, you don’t like the drink?” “It’s not that. That’s just not the Tom Collins I knew.”
8. From Jib-Jab (although I think it’s nastier to McCain than to Obama):
9. Here are a few jokes from a Jon Sanders column explaining why it’s good to be able to laugh at a candidate during an election:
“That’s not funny.”
How many Barack Obamas does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. He holds the bulb, thinks the world revolves around him, and calls it change you can believe in.
Why did Barack Obama cross the road? To tax the other side.
A rabbi, a priest, and Barack Obama walked into a bar. The rabbi and priest both said “Ouch.” Obama said nothing. See, messiahs don’t get hurt walking smack into a bar.
Barack Obama dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. “So this is heaven,” Obama says. “What’s it like, healthcare up here?” St. Peter misunderstands him as saying he’d like Hell and didn’t care for it up here, so he shrugs and sends him down there. “Cool,” Obama says upon arrival. “It really IS just like Canada’s!”
10. From NRO’s Corner:
OK, now the “Knock, knock” joke.
“Barack Hussein Obama.”
“Barack Hussein Obama who?”
[The “Hussein” can be omitted if necessary to improve the punch line, or for contestants who are actually members of the Obama campaign staff.]
Suggested punch lines:
[A lot of cynics out there] That depends. Is this the primary or the general election?
Knock, knock … Who’s there? … Jeremiah Wright … Jeremiah Wright who? … Aw, come on, Barack, you know who I am!
[Several of this one] Barack who’s-sayin’-I’m-a-Muslim? Obama.
[… along with this one] Barack who’s-sayin’-whatever-he-must-to-get-your-vote Obama.
“Barack Hussein Obama.”
[Then, in a follow-up, this punchline for the prisoner joke:] The lifer explains: “We just don’t care for inflammatory knock-knock jokes.”
Barack Hussein Obama who? Well my dear sir, perhaps 300 hours of mandatory Community Service will refresh your memory. Take him away!
[Some groaners, inevitably] Barack Hussein Obama’s brother, Sweet Home Al Obama. (Cue Leonard Skynnard music in background).
11. From Wolf Howling:
“A taxpayer voting for Obama is like a chicken voting for Col. Sanders.”
You have to include Krauthammer’s riposte from last week:
Last week, when the Supreme Court declared unconstitutional the District of Columbia’s ban on handguns, Obama immediately declared that he agreed with the decision. This is after his campaign explicitly told the Chicago Tribune last November that he believes the D.C. gun ban is constitutional.
Obama spokesman Bill Burton explains the inexplicable by calling the November — i.e., the primary season — statement “inartful.” Which suggests a first entry in the Obamaworld dictionary — “Inartful: clear and straightforward, lacking the artistry that allows subsequent self-refutation and denial.”
I conclude with a joke a friend e-mailed me, which I retell here in the first person:
The Divine Comedy of Obama
In place of Dante, it was I traversing heaven, hell and points in between with Virgil as my spirit guide. At one point, as we moved through the seventh level of hell, we entered into the Great Hall of Politics. I was amazed to find that it was filled with clocks, each marked with the name of a politician and each displaying a different time. When I questioned the demonic curator of the hall about them, he said that each time a politician did a flip flop, the hands of the clock would spin about. I saw McCain’s clock, and it showed a quarter to three. I saw Kerry’s clock, it read midnight. But, look as I might, I could not find Obama’s, so I asked Virgil if he could see it. Before he could respond, the demon curator piped up: “The boss has that one. He’s using it for a fan.”
12. From Best of the Web:
A guy asks Barack Obama, “Who was that lady I saw you with last night?” Obama replies, “I think people should lay off my wife. The notion that you can attack my family–that’s not what America is all about. It’s too easy to get caught up in these distractions.”
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the so-called leaders of the Christian right, who have been all too eager to exploit what divides us.
And then there’s the one about the definition of audacity: when a guy throws his grandparents under the bus, then pleads for mercy because his parents are orphans (or would have been had they not predeceased their own parents).
13. And some more from Wolf Howling:
Just heard this one from Brit Hume. He and Krauthammer were having an exchange about Obama’s plan to speak at the Brandenberg Gate in an attempt to portrary himself as the second coming of JFK. Hume’s comment: Yes, but his speech will be “Ich bin ein beginner.”
14. And again from NRO, this time with many clever takes on the light-bulb joke:
Here’s the question: “How many members of the Obama household does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
And here are all the answers John Derbyshire’s readers recommended:
[Several inspired by Mrs. Obama] Light bulbs? Ha! As a black man in America, Barack could get shot going to the hardware store.
Do you know how expensive light-bulb changing lessons are?
Yes, Michelle is right, two.
None, you try affording CFLs on a community organizers salary.
[Many Obama-Messiah jokes] They don’t use lightbulbs. The light from the halo is more than enough.
When Obama is president, light bulbs will screw in themselves.
[In roughly the same genre, for Oprah fans] Just The One.
[From a lady] The light bulb joke will work with the standard joke about men that all married women understand. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? One. He thinks he can hold it and the world will revolve around him. Try it on Mrs. D. [I sure will, Ma’am … when I’m tired of life.]
[Similarly] One. Obama holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
[Some riffing on those horrid curly eco-friendly bulboids] The Obama household uses environmentally friendly CF bulbs, which last longer and do not need to be replaced as often.
In an effort to combat global warming, the Obama household uses only energy-efficient CFC bulbs, and it’s been so long since they’ve had to be changed that nobody can remember exactly who changed them.
All four. One to screw in the bulb, and the other three to man the required HAZ-MAT materials in case the mercury-laden earth-friendly bulb breaks.
[Miscellaneous] Only one member of the household is needed. He organizes several dozen community members to petition local government to allocate funds to send a team of municipal electricians. After several public hearings and the issuance of an official apology for the substandard bulb — I’m not saying prejudice is involved, mind you, but it’s funny how you never hear about light bulbs going out in Mitch McConnell’s house — poof, it’s done.
Why would they? It will only take one to wreck the national energy system, so that it won’t light up when you screw it in, anyway.
None. They just declare the sudden darkness to be The Change We’ve Been Waiting For.
Three: One to actually screw the light bulb in, the other two to throw Rev. Wright and Obama’s grandmother under the bus for not screwing the light bulb in sooner.
1 to talk about how he’d change it, 1,000,000 to talk about how it’s the most profound and eloquent speech about changing a light bulb ever given.
None. Screwing in lightbulbs is cynical and old-fashioned. Rather, they just let their hope inspire the change.
Three. One to screw in the lightbulb. One to smash it to pieces because its design is offensive to Muslims and Environmentalists. And one to deny that Obama knew anything about it and to fire everyone involved.
One. One woman. With no headscarf. Predominantly white, but with traces of southeast Asian ancestry. She must have masters in a field that ends with “studies” and her ex-husband should be under indictment for his failure to make child support payments.
The light bulb I see today is not the light bulb that I knew and that has lit my living room for so many years. I am disappointed.
15. From Socratease:
How many Barack Obamas does it take to change a light bulb?
None. He just issues a press release explaining that the light has always been out.