Must stop being so efficient
Bookworm on Dec 14 2008 at 6:25 pm | Filed under: Uncategorized
I’ve decided that those Victorian women who took to the couch in faints were on to something. No one in my family thinks it at all noteworthy (or helpworthy) that today I’ve cleaned the whole house, washed and folded three loads of laundry, gone grocery shopping, cooked dinner for four, carpooled the kids into the City, and have worked on (and will work until the wee hours on) an emergency brief for a client that’s due tomorrow morning. The problem with being a strong horse is that people keep loading you up.
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>> that today I’ve cleaned the whole house, washed and folded three loads of laundry, gone grocery shopping, cooked dinner for four, carpooled the kids into the City, and have worked on (and will work until the wee hours on) an emergency brief for a client that’s due tomorrow morning. The problem with being a strong horse is that people keep loading you up. >>
Book, I am helplessly laughing. This is pure human nature.
You need to stick up for your interests! If fainting on the couch is what it takes to get your contributions recognized, then faint on the couch you must!
Your family is taking you for granted! Time to be tough!
How’s this:
Book: “I have emergency tasks I must take care of and I need all of you to take care of these items that have been superceded.” (She hands out the list to hubby and kids.) “Please choose what you can do tonight, and tomorrow, so I can be sure they get done.”
Entire family, staring with open eyes at her and the paper list: “Wha?”
Book: “Hey, I’ve been accomplishing these things each day, and I’m giving you two – or heck – even three days! So, guys, pick and choose!”
Entire family, staring with open eyes at her and the paper list: “Wha?”
Book: “Let me know soon! If no one picks up the doggie-doo, you know how Mrs. Martin gets – she likes to keep her bedroom window open – so someone please take that tonight, ok?”
Entire family, staring with open eyes at her and the paper list: “Wha?”
Book: “Just let me know. Cool. gotta run! Bye!”
It’s not about getting things done – you will DELIBERATELY let little Sally get stranded after her tuba practice – it is definitely, and totally, about getting them to recognize your contributions. And that is worth two days of havoc. People stranded, dishes not washed, laundry not done.
But you have to give them the list first. And push it on them. Then they’ll recognize what is up, and when things get dropped, they’ll see it for sure.
Then, after a day or two, pick it back up. A lesson – for them – well learned.
Be tough! Let them fail!
You are, of course, absolutely right, Mike. The problem is that, as to the cleaning, and laundry, which I find to be the most onerous tasks, I’m the only one who wants that stuff done.
Years ago, when I was living with college roommates, I discovered that the one who wants the greatest cleanliness and order, unless she shares her space with exactly like-minded people, is going to do the cleaning — ’cause they’re not. Indeed, when three of us who liked a clean place prepared a work roster that included the fourth, she very politely told us to eff off. While she was happy to be the beneficiary of our cleaning, she was perfectly happy in a dirty place, and had no intention of living up to (and work to) our standards. That was quite a life lesson for me. In my household, because my Mom and Dad had precisely the same standards of cleanliness and shared the work, I assumed their standards were normative. They’re not.
My husband likes clean laundry and a clean house, but not enough to do anything about it, and my kids couldn’t care less. There are no incentives I can offer, nor punishments I can devise, that make them care. And because coming up with incentives and coming up with and enforcing punishments is exhausting, it’s easier to make a martyr of myself, so that I don’t live in slum-like surroundings, complete with piles of dirty, rotting laundry.
All of which is to say that, while you’re right, Mike, you’re right only if the other guys care as much as I do. Were I to do a boycott, my house would quickly resemble Calcutta and my family would survive on cereal and hand-outs from sympathetic neighbors (and I know, because I’ve tried).
If I were to do that, my irksome middle child would mock me endlessly and say, “Help me! I’m feeling woozy!” Yep. I made the mistake of not eating all day long and getting the woozies as a result, and now, I am bedeviled by her memory of it, which apparently was hilarious, though I don’t remember passing out, but I’m sure it would have been onto the couch, after saying Help me! I’m feeling woozy!”
I understand Book and Jewel. My advice, then, is to pick and choose: Hit em where it hurts.
I’m with you Book. I can’t stand clutter — not nearly as fanatical as the guy in “Sleeping with the Enemy” — but I really do like to be able to find what I need — at least by the second try.
Early in our marriage I made a special effort for a couple of weeks to pick things up and keep stuff reasonably organized, thinking that my wife would see how nice it is not to have to hunt for things all the time and learn from the experience to put things away on her own.
Stupid!
She was just happy to have someone else picking up after her.
They are freeloading off of you, Book. This will become a very bad habit, if it hasn’t already.
The problem with being a strong horse is that people keep loading you up.
The only reward in an army beset by enemies for an officer doing a good job on one task is for that officer to be given an even more difficult task (since obviously that officer is capable of so much more).
“There are no incentives I can offer, nor punishments I can devise, that make them care.”
You are absolutely right, Book, you can’t make them care. You cannot control their thoughts or feelings. What you can control, regarding kids, is their behavior. Even if they don’t care or don’t want to- you can give them chores and responsibilities. Then they need to be enforced through consistent supervision until they have habituated the new routine. They will always see punishments as options. “If you don’t pick up your laundry you can’t watch TV tonight.” Option- laundry or TV. Child, “Fine, I won’t watch TV.” Laundry, left on floor. Mom, frustrated. Child’s annoying behavior, unchanged. Result, Mom either yells and screams until it’s done (in which case the child listens only when Mom is furious) or Mom does it herself. The latter being the expected result.
It’s harder with spouses because you don’t have direct authority over them and habits of having things done for them can be deeply ingrained. Mr. Book might relent, if you are 100% firm and consistent with your resolve, is in doing his own laundry- eventually- again with 100% resolve and refusal to budge an inch. It might be easiest to start with that one task, and add in bit by bit.
BTW, this ties in with your piece on selfishness. Selfishness is innate. Gratitude and generosity are generally learned traits. I firmly believe that the vanishing chore has made American kids more selfish and narcissistic. Chores teach responsibility, helping out the family, and self-discipline. People who have everything done for them learn to expect that everything will be done for them. Seldom do they appreciate the workhorse for doing everything- unless for some reason, they’re made to have sympathy for the workhorse, as with you and your parents.
Anyway, that gives you the opportunity to teach them from a place of strength.
Your advice is right on the money, Lulu. I am able to force the kids to do chores, although the effort often exceeds the same energy I would spend doing the task myself. Indeed, today, they were more than usually helpful, since (as always) I gave them no choice and they seem, finally, to be taking me seriously. (And why it’s taken them so long when I am always serious about these things is one of those mysteries only children can answer.)
As for my husband . . . well . . . as you right say, the leverage is difference, and the relationship has its own checks and balances, unrelated to mere housekeeping.
Good luck. I second what Lulu says. What you are noticing is that, on top of everything else you have to do, or have assumed unto yourself, you see the need to put more time and effort into parenting the kids so they will grow up to be self-sufficient and not overly-selfish adults who can assume reasonable responsibilities (like you do). But this is just about the most important job you’ve got to accomplish. Nobody wants to do more work if they can duck it, so it’s up to you (and ideally, but not necessarily, your husband in conjunction with you) to get the kids in the groove. It is not easy at first, but it only gets harder the later you start and the older they are. If they get old enough to ignore you for good, it’s impossible, and you’ve failed. Nobody wins then (although you do get your own house back to clean as you like: cold comfort). They remain undisciplined, clueless grownups, and poor marriage prospects! They may also cling to any “mate” who can create a minimally clean home as they can’t do for themselves.
And yes, it is much easier, faster, and more satisfying to do a better job of chores by yourself (even while feeling martyred). You can also add that kids are hard on appliances, make messes, complain and delay a lot, and miss a lot of details unless policed closely. This part of parenting is boring, troublesome, and time-consuming work! Problem is, you are neglecting your kids’ education and development if you don’t teach them this kind of responsible self-sufficiency. You must *unselfishly* put up with a period of chores imperfectly done by them, until they become competent and responsible.
This is all the pep talk I’ve given myself. I too delayed in delegating and overseeing this process with my own kids, but now I am delighting in the fact they can clean bathrooms, change sheets, and clean rooms as well as I (if not better)–and they do. Keep your eyes on the goal, Book! It is a joy to see them becoming responsible and less self-centered.
Over the years I found the parenting books by John Rosemond to be helpful in providing humorous, reassuring pep talks and ideas about identifying “natural consequences” to teach children discipline.
Oh, also, I try to remember what Dear Abby used to say (or was it Ann Landers?): “Nobody can make a doormat out of you without your permission.” That includes kids. I’m guessing you were just too young to remember when your parents started pointing out to you that you were expected to do your reasonable share in and for the family. Modern parents like you and I tend to be too lax and let the little princesses and princes laze around too long, because it’s “easier” on everybody to do so. Up to a point. I think you’ve reached your point!
(And why it’s taken them so long when I am always serious about these things is one of those mysteries only children can answer.)
It takes time for conditioning to take hold. But once taken hold, it will last for many many decades.
As for my husband . . . well . . . as you right say, the leverage is difference, and the relationship has its own checks and balances, unrelated to mere housekeeping.
That was very funny, Book.
>>There are no incentives I can offer, nor punishments I can devise, that make them care.>>
How about hunger? cereal usually loses it’s appeal on a 3x a day routine. “no dinner till xx is done” or some such might have some influence. Or “Gosh…no…I didn’t cook dinner tonight – I just didn’t have time because I didn’t have any help doing x,y,and z. Maybe if you’d help me tomorrow, I could get that done and make dinner besides”
Incentives depend upon the nature of the subject, Book. For a boy, it might be martial arts lessons or supreme challenges that the boy has no phantom of (like say, doing 100 hindu squats, giving him a speed boost over other boys). For a girl, I wouldn’t know but would speculate that it may be make up and various other things depending on the individual in question.
Discentives, however, are interesting. IF you study Pavlovian training, Book, negative reinforcement is not punishment, it is simply the withdrawal of positive reinforcement or rewards.
Pain is a very effective motivator for getting you to NOT do things at a certain moment in time, but if you want long lasting habits then you will strive for something more: like love, duty, or dedication. It is those things, the things people fight for rather than fight against (like pain and suffering) that truly motivates people over a life time.
>> The problem with being a strong horse is that people keep loading you up. >>
From each according to their abilities… to each according to their needs!
Eventually, Atlas shrugged.