Barack’s letter to Mahmoud *UPDATED*

The comment Lulu1 left here is too good to be buried.  It deserves a post all its own, and this is that post.  Herewith, Lulu’s wonderful investigative research:

Through painstaking research I have managed to obtain a copy of Pres. Obama’s letter to Mahmoud.

Dear Mr. Ahmadinijad, or may I call you Mahmoud?,

I write to you as a very important man. I am, as we might say, the most important man. If I wanted, I could have your butt on a platter, but I am not a man of violence, Mr. A. I am a man of words. People swoon for me. Do they swoon for you, Mr. A? No, they do not.  You may think you bear a prophetic message. I AM a prophetic message. Soon I will heal the oceans. Hear me.

I say this. You’re gonna lay down that sword and shield- down by the riverside. Down by the riverside. Down by the riverside. You’re gonna lay down those nuclear aspirations, down by the riverside. Dowwwn by the ri-ver-side, and you aint gonna study war no more.  You’re gonna walk with that Prince of peace (that would be me) down by the riv-ver-side.  (I used aint to be folksy, Mr. A. As a Harvard grad, I certainly know  the correct grammar).

I know that I, as the leader of the free world, and you as the leader of the unfree world have much in common. We both dislike the US military. We both question Israel’s  legitimacy. But it is all a matter of nuance. Bakshi, Mr. A. Imsha Allah, Mr. A, we will unite our great peoples and work together to make the world a safer and better place ( I say “imsha Allah” not because I have any connection to Islam but because of respect for your culture and  traditions).

We here are a land of Christians and Moslems, Hindus and Buddhists, Zoroastrians and Confucionists, Atheists and Agnostics, Greek Orthodox and Episcopalian, 7th Day Adventist and Mormon, Sikh and Quaker, Catholic and Ba-hai, Nature worshiping and uh, Jewish- and we are stronger than you.

Let me warn you now, if you don’t immediately abandon your nuclear work and threats to wipe Israel off the map I’ll be forced to get tough. My ambassador at the UN will make sure that you become unpopular! We’ll make it unpleasant. You’ll see. But we won’t topple you like my pushy Texan, uncouth predecessor did with Saddam Hussein. So don’t worry about that. Even if the people of Iran want you out, we’ll support  your right to repress freedoms and imprison and torture your citizens but I really wish you’d stop building weapons of mass destruction.  Let’s work together to face a real threat. Let’s go tackle global warming together. Let’s talk. I can be verrry persuasive.


Do I have the best readers, or what?

UPDATE:  In the comment line, you can see that I made a Freudian slip when I originally mis-named this post “Barack’s letter to Obama.”  In keeping with the concept of Freudian slips, here is the esteemed Obama, wordsmith extraordinaire, who never says a word that isn’t perfect and gem-like, urging American businesses to fail as part of their duty during the recession.

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  • 1Lulu

    Thank you for the compliments, Book. It was hard research BTW, I assume in your heading you meant Barack’s letter to Mahmoud- or was that a Freudian slip?

  • Bookworm

    Fixed — and, yes, it was totally Freudian. The word soup of my brain tosses out some crazy things sometimes.



    The nuance of politics: Freudian slip vs the slip of the tongue/keyboard.

    Great ‘research’. I am just surprised he didn’t sign the letter with xoxo’s.

    We’ll all look forward to Mahmoud’s response on of these days.

  • RadiantRecluse

    Excellent letter, but I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  • Ymarsakar

    Great ‘research’. I am just surprised he didn’t sign the letter with xoxo’s.

    he could have signed it with “I’ll trump you”.

  • Charles Martel

    I am concerned that the Secret Service will now hunt down 1Lulu in order to stanch the leak of Obama’s private correspondence.

  • 1Lulu

    My sources in Iran have sent me this leak of Mahmoud’s reply. It seems we do not have a meeting of the minds:

    Dear Shameful Apostate.
    You are weak and your illegitimate country is weak. I serve to do Allah’s will by creating an Islamic Caliphate across the globe. I have no respect for a weak, decadent apostate who rejects the true faith. You are worse than a Jew. You were born a Moslem and have turned your back on the prophet. Submit to Allah and his will or accept the dhimmitude of you and your whorish citizens. You and the Great Satan you lead are dying. I have no time for you. Catch me if you dare.
    Mahoud (I serve only Allah and his prophet Mohammed and seek only to do his will) Ahmadinijad