“Congressman Derrick Hiller (D-Conn.) welcomed a contingent of 800 constituents who came to honor him for his yes vote on a measure that would compel middle school students nationwide to participate in “Live Like a Gay Muslim Month.” After several moments loudly praising the legislation, the visitors, worried that Hiller lacked a good vantage to see them all, improvised a crude rope-based device, which they slipped around his neck and tugged on to lift him high above the crowd. Overtaken with gratitude at the gesture, observers say Hiller struggled to say something, but was visibly dumbstruck. Eventually, realizing that the crowd noise was too much to overcome, he ceased his struggle and became still, obviously trying to wait them out.”

“Senator Jacqueline Dear (D-Calif.) received a free makeover from a group of environmentalist cosmeticians who gathered to praise her for her vote in favor of a measure to control the release of volatile esters into the atmosphere by restricting to two the number of manicures/pedicures U.S. citizens may procure in any calendar year. (“Undocumented foreign guests” are not subject to the restriction). As six of the cosmetologists hugged the senator at her desk, they quickly applied a layer of warm dark “Tarrine,” an exotic ointment, to her skin, then gayly festooned it with a flurry of what appeared to be pure white down feathers.”