Dark mood — need jokes and good news
Bookworm on Oct 16 2009 at 12:12 pm | Filed under: Uncategorized
I’m feeling demoralized today. I think the news is getting to me — or maybe it’s just the inevitable return to earth after the giddy pleasures of Fleet Week. Regardless, I could use some cheering up.
I started the work of cheering myself up with a Spengler article pointing out that, propaganda aside, the “downtrodden” Palestinians are doing exceptionally well compared to their Muslim compatriots in surrounding Muslim lands.
Do you have any contributions to offset this emotional ennui?
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It is rainy and rather cold in Warrenton, Va. It appears we survived global warming for another year. I expect a long, cold winter. But, I am cheered that it will flummox the “Warmists”, so it is a fairly small price.
It is also a good excuse to sit in my recliner and read a mystery. Our fat, black cat will curl up on my wife’s footrest as she reads a “chick” book. Watching that contented old cat is very soothing.
I have become devoted to “historical” mysteries. I just finished one set in 11th century Japan, and I have started on one set in 16the century England during the time of the Reform movement. A very disturbing time.
The cheering part is that reading accounts of life in earlier periods makes living in 21st century America a very pleasant prospect; regardless of passing storms.
I tell myself that we’ve gone through bad times before–in the 1930s, many people thought the only choice was between Fascism and Communism–and come through okay. But I’m not always successful in convincing myself.
Oldflyer–didn’t realize you were in Warrenton. Wish you’d drop me an email at
photoncourier
*(at)*
yahoo
dot
com
Here, Book:
A Scotsman and a Jew are having dinner at a very fancy restaurant.
As the waiter approaches their table with the bill, the Scotsman blurts out in a loud voice, “Give it to me, waiter, I’ll take care of this.”
Headline in next day’s newspaper:
“FAMED JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND SHOT DEAD IN ALLEY”
I have a house guest. She arrived Tuesday from Austin via Denver via Israel.
She has taken a sabbatical from teaching children with learning disabilities for one year (and no she will not spend the year with me – only a few weeks). I met her at the airport with a nice bright orange neon colored poster board size sign with her name and welcome in Hebrew for her amusement. Because her plane arrived at 5 in the evening, I knew full well what traffic would be like getting to the airport at this hour. I decided to go earlier and wait an hour.
There were a few of us waiting for someone and then I spotted a large group. It was immediately obvious that the 5 sisters, one brother and father were Amish. All the girls wore there hair pulled back into a single thick braid, over their long sleeves sweater and long skirts. The brother was probably no more than 14. Each of older ones always keeping an eye on the younger. The dad looked like Santa Claus, big rosy cheeks, white beard, black hat and very warm smile.
I noticed that the dad and son were looking towards my sign with some curiosity.
I also knew that they would not ask what it said and without a moment’s hesitation I explained what I had written. The dad smiled at me and chuckled softly and asked, “why didn’t you write Shalom”. I answered, “too easy, I needed more of a challenge”. His soft chuckle to my response was delightful and the experience made the an hour wait well worth it.
Good News:
After only being touch via email for the past 9 years … things are going smoothly in spite of the cold, the rain, the dreary weather outside since Tuesday. I am happy to announce that I can quickly remember farenheit to celsius (without doing conversions in my head).
OK, here’s a joke.
Sam’s friend Hank has finally dragged him into the 21st Century, and introduced him to Instant Messaging.
On Monday, Sam sent an I.M. to his friend Albert. It started a coversation, and he had a great time.
On Tuesday, Sam sent an I.M. to his friend Barry. Again, a good time was had by all.
On subsequent days, he would I.M. his friends Charlie, Dave, Edward, Frank, and George.
Sam finally realized he ought to share his joy with the friend who introduced him to instant messages in the first place, so on the eighth day, he sent out his “Henry’s the Eighth I.M. I.M.”
Thank you all. I had lunch with Don Quixote, another cheering thing, but I just feel dragged down. I know I’ll snap out of it, but your help is much appreciated.
Breaking News
BREAKING NEWS! THIS JUST IN!!!
OBAMA WINS THE HEISMAN TROPHY AFTER WATCHING A COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME!!!!!!
Well, if you’ve never read “The Horror of Blimps”, it is one of the most hilarious stories I’ve ever come across. Assuming, of course, you don’t have a fear of blimps.
I thought the AP wrote a very funny punchline (obviously unintended)
Lawyers for Obama poster artist say he misled them
AP
By HILLEL ITALIE, AP National Writer Hillel Italie, Ap National Writer – 49 mins ago
NEW YORK – Attorneys for poster artist Shepard Fairey, who designed the famous Obama “HOPE” image, say he based it on a photograph taken by The Associated Press and not another picture, as the artist had claimed.
In papers filed Friday in federal court in Manhattan, Fairey’s attorneys said they had amended their lawsuit against the AP, which had alleged copyright infringement.
Fairey sued the not-for-profit news cooperative in February, arguing that he didn’t violate copyright law because he dramatically changed the image.
I wish I did but I seem to be suffering from welsh rats too……
I think it’s political poisoning, and the only cure is for all of them to catch typhoid.
Some good thoughts:
The left is turning on Obama, primarily because he is hedging on Afghanistan, and they want OUT NOW.
But he promised the vast middle that Afghanistan was “the central war on terror” and viciously attacked George Bush endlessly for wasting time, money, and killing our soldiers in Iraq in a meaningless and wrong war; that he would focus on Afghanistan. So he caught between a rock and a hard place, due to his campaign’s unending and vicious attacks on Bush – for not being serious about WINNING in Afghanistan.
As a meta-narrative: This is what happens when you promise everybody everything, and they all BELIEVE you. And you get elected because you’ve promised the world to the world. If I promise you that 2+2 is 7, and I promise Sam that 2+2 is 1, and you both believe me… something’s going to give eventually.
The Democrats are apparently going to use the nuclear option on health care in the Senate, voting to deny debate by forcing cloture, against every tradition. Remember how close the Republicans came to doing just that, a few years back? But they backed down. The Democrats, having absolutely no restraint, will not.
The Democrats are vastly misreading their mandate from the 2008 elections. This is precisely the kind of mistake that ends one-party rule and causes a mid-term switch. 2010 is looking better and better and better. The Democrats are like a totally spoiled, monstrous child that runs wild in the candy store, gobbling everything in sight. But ending up sprawled outside on the sidewalk, puking his guts out afterwards.
If the pending health care debacle doesn’t cost them in 2010, it surely will in 2012. And then there’s looming runaway inflation. Continued job loss. Horrifying mountains of federal debt under Obama that makes Bush look like a miser. Runaway government seizure of POWER that keeps American small business from taking risks, and from hiring, because the punitive power of this Obama government is shocking in the way they exercise it within our system. And the way they DON’T exercise their power against our foreign enemies, making Obama look incredibly weak.
It’s temporarily terrible for our country, but that’s what happens when the voters go suddenly a little insane. We pay a temporary price. This is not the first time, but I’m looking forward to “the correction”. It will come. So be of good cheer!
But now for the bad news: After the correction, what will the Republicans do once we have split government again, or we get Republican control again? They showed just what a thoroughly rotten, corrupt job THEY could do of it. Have they learned? I don’t think so. They love POWER just as much as the Democrats. We can hope they’ve learned. But I still think we need new blood. Vote for better! No more status quo! No more status quo! New faces! New blood!
Yes, Virginia, YOUR Congressman IS part of the problem.
Yo, Book,
Here’s something for you. This may be more humor/material/craziness than you were asking for. If so, and assuming you can even hang in at the start, you could always digest this at maybe 5-10 lines at a time. I poke around at AT so, consider this a gift from one AT’er to another. If it doesn’t help your malaise you can always use the editorial nuke button: delete.
I was reflecting on the many ascriptions of D’uh O’s greatness, you know, as when compared to some high profile historical figures. He’s been mentioned in the same breath as Honest Abe, FDR, JFK, MLK Jr., Hitler, Messiah, Anti-Christ, Alinsky Jr., a poor man’s Che Guevera (without the testosterone or motorcycle). Some think he may be a great-great-great grandson of Levi Mordecai, uh, I mean “Karl Marx.” Heck, over at American Thinker recently he was even compared with one of those dusty dead kings from Egypt, Akhenaten.
Well, in addition to all these other players, it was this Pharaoh dude that got me to thinking about another major player in Egypt’s history that has slipped through the cracks: What if Obama had been Moses?
**If Obama had been Moses…
… he would have doused the burning bush faster than a wet blanket – too much carbon polluting the atmosphere.
… he would have refused to take off his loafers – too much additional carbon footprint helium would have been released. Besides, it would have given him a funny, high-pitched voice – not becoming of a leader of a great nation.
… he would have bowed to Pharaoh rather than defy him or bring up that “beating and oppression” unpleasantness.
… he would have exchanged some “skin” with Pharaoh and said, “Whazzup up, Blood? Bam-shaka-lacka. Don’t let your eyes deceive you, I’m black too. Hey, same continent at least. I’m your Kenyan Cousin from down the river. Allahu Akbar.”
… he would have declared all those that claimed he was really a Hebrew who was found in a basket in a bunch of reeds as “Reeders” and that they were part of a vast straw hat conspiracy and that these loons were stupid enough to actually think that it’s possible for a man to rise from a grave or to descend from the clouds.
… he would have kept up the pretense of being Egyptian and had Aaron repeat over and over, “I saw his birth papyrus. It’s on record in Alexandria. He can show you a scribed copy. He was born right here in Egypt. I swear by this golden calf.”
… he eventually would have embraced his heritage and attended the prestigious Ivory League school, Hebrew U, rather than the men-of-the-earth Brick Tech.
… he would naturally have majored in Commandumental Law and been the president of the Hebrew Law Review.
… he would have, upon ascending to power, worn Joseph’s coat-of-many-colors, eaten his lamb chops, sworn on his scroll, and ridden in his chariot.
… he would have declared, “I AM the Messiah you’ve been waiting for!”
… he would have usurped the Pharaonic Throne after taking up the Hebrew brick-maker’s Cause and declaring that Egypt needed “Change the slaves could believe in” and then…
… he would have done nothing to improve their situation.
… he would have, however, upbraided the straw bosses as “stupid officers.”
… he would have anointed a Chief Elder to the SPOTUS (Supreme Pharisees of the United Slaves) who had refused to promote qualified bricklayers because they tested better than others by actually knowing that bricks were made with mud.
… he would have visited with the SPOTUS and made sure they understood that slaves have no standing to demand to see his birth papyrus.
… he would have proposed a Stimulus Plan that would have involved 787 billion bricks to prop up the sagging Hebrew adobe market.
… he would have had his #2, Aaron, go on record as saying, “We misread the hieroglyphs. We need more bricks.”
… he would have appointed Tithe scofflaws to oversee the recovery efforts.
… he would have sped to Alexandria in his Horse Power One chariot to explain to the gathered leaders why the Hebrews should be allowed to sponsor the Summer Slingshot Olympics by talking about himself… oh, and the disadvantaged Hebrew children. The committee would not be impressed.
… he would have had his high priestess, Oprahmirriam, in tow to wave the palm poms as his #1 cheerleader. The committee would not be impressed.
… upon returning to his people he would have said, “Bunk! Who needs ‘em? It’s the world’s loss. Too bad though, would have loved to have gone head to head with the Philistines.”
… he would have said, “Hmm, I can use that,” after his confrontation with Pharaoh when the Egyptian leader had retorted, “The audacity! To hope you can strong arm me into releasing your people!”
… he would have told Pharaoh that he’d written a papyrus after having had a dream from his Heavenly father and then…
… he would have bellowed, “Let my people Hope!… for audacious change.”
… he would have squawked when it was revealed that his tome had been written by a Holy Ghost writer and then…
… he would have appointed a Ministry of Truth czar when his people started murmuring about this Ghost writer: can’t have perception turning into lies – or truth.
… he would have decried Pharaoh’s claims that his plans for Hope and Change would somehow be bad for the Egyptian people by saying, “Bunk! In my plan there are no death plagues! These are phony claims being circulated in our hieroglyphs and pyramid hall meetings.”
… he would have said after the first plague, “We have to have the other nine now. We cannot delay! The Hebrew people need this now. However, Pharaoh, we could use this as a teaching moment instead.”
… he would have threatened Pharaoh by declaring after the 9th Plague, “I am God’s partner in life and death!”
… he then would have declared, “I am an ultimate 1st Birther believer! All your first born shall perish if you don’t listen to me and what you have to do now!”
… he would have declared the Plagues an HSW disaster (Hebrewpogenic Sahara Warming, naturally) waiting to happen.
… he would have taken credit for “green energy” when the tornado appeared between them and Pharaoh’s army at the Red Sea.
… he would have snarked, “Pretty impressive, I got the sucker! I won, shut up, punch back twice as hard!” as the water collapsed on Pharaoh and his chariots.
… he would have followed that statement up with a more conciliatory, “Let’s make this a teachable moment.”
… he would have gone back and bailed out Pharaoh’s army after they went under and then…
… he would have co-opted the makers of Cadillac Chariots and Sphinxler Motors after declaring them financially unsound after the Red Sea incident.
… he would have declared that the Pharaoh was not a terrorist nor that his Egyptian army were enemy combatants but rather people of conviction and that, in fact, their demise in the Red Sea was a natural disaster brought on by HSW from his own peoples brick-making industry.
… he could have pronounced the Commandments to the people only if Aaron had been holding up the Tablet-prompters.
… he would have answered the question, “Moses, have you read all the Commandments yet?”, by replying, “No, I have not yet read all 57 Commandments but hope to do so some day”.
… he actually would have destroyed the tablets a second time – gotta keep that Separation of Clay and State.
… he would have originated a “C&T” tax (Conflagration and Travel levy) on the Hebrew people for employing a pillar of smoke by day and fire by night as they progressed. As with the burning bush, those pillars are a carbon footprint nightmare.
… he would have told the Hebrews that Abraham had been a nice guy and whatnot in establishing the Hebrew people but that his religion and principles were exclusionary and that it was time for a new way and new god.
… he would have sensed the moment and established the concept of the all-inclusive Globalist Metro-man: he would have beaten Muhammad to the punch and founded Islam while insisting on being an adherent to a religion whose Savior was still a few millennia off as well as declaring himself “a friend of the Jews”.
… he would have promoted “Promised Land” and delivered “40 years of Wilderness” (wait, that one did happen).
… he would have promised a UHC system (Universal Hebrew Care) – “Manna in every pot”.
… he would have gone on a Sinai Peninsula “Forgive US” tour, begging for forgiveness for all his peoples victories along the way.
… he would have been out of country in Cairo on his nation’s Passover Day celebrating their liberation from tyranny.
… he actually would have short-circuited the entire Egyptian matter above by ensuring that the Hebrew nation would never have become “a great people” through Planned Phariseehood, thus allaying Pharaoh’s “The Jewish Question” angst.
What’s the moral of the story? This whole “God is my co-pilot/partner/whatever, I’m a leader of 300 million, I can make Pharaoh bend, I can change staffs in to snakes, ‘hey ya’ll, watch this!’ water parting” thing could go to his head – he might develop a serious GOD COMPLEX. Wait… that’s what has happened, isn’t it? My bad.
Yo, Book,
(This comment has updated Obama material and is different from the first comment of support I offered.)
Here’s something for you. This may be more humor/material/craziness than you were asking for. If so, and assuming you can even hang in at the start, you could always digest this at maybe 5-10 lines at a time. I poke around at AT so, consider this a gift from one AT’er to another. If it doesn’t help your malaise you can always use the editorial nuke button: delete. That’s always a fun thing to hit!
I was reflecting on the many ascriptions of D’uh O’s greatness, you know, as when compared to some high profile historical figures. He’s been mentioned in the same breath as Honest Abe, FDR, JFK, MLK Jr., Hitler, Messiah, Anti-Christ, Alinsky Jr., a poor man’s Che Guevera (without the testosterone or motorcycle). Some think he may be a great-great-great grandson of Levi Mordecai, uh, I mean “Karl Marx.” Heck, over at American Thinker recently he was even compared with one of those dusty dead kings from Egypt, Akhenaten.
Well, in addition to all these other players, it was this Pharaoh dude that got me to thinking about another major player in Egypt’s history that has slipped through the cracks: What if Obama had been Moses?
If Obama had been Moses…
… he would have doused the burning bush faster than a wet blanket – too much carbon polluting the atmosphere.
… he would have refused to take off his loafers – too much additional carbon footprint helium would have been released. Besides, it would have given him a funny, high-pitched voice – not becoming of a leader of a great nation.
… he would have bowed to Pharaoh rather than defy him or bring up that “beating and oppression” unpleasantness.
… he would have exchanged some “skin” with Pharaoh and said, “Whazzup up, Blood? Bam-shaka-lacka. Don’t let your eyes deceive you, I’m black too. Hey, same continent at least. I’m your Kenyan Cousin from down the river. Allahu Akbar.”
… he would have declared all those that claimed he was really a Hebrew who was found in a basket in a bunch of reeds as “Reeders” and that they were part of a vast straw foil hat conspiracy and that these loons were stupid enough to actually think that it possible for a man to rise from a grave or to descend from the clouds.
… he would have kept up the pretense of being Egyptian and had Joseph Bid Aaron repeat over and over, “I saw his birth papyrus. It’s on record in Alexandria. He can show you a scribed copy. He was born right here in Egypt. I swear by this golden calf.”
… he eventually would have embraced his heritage and attended the prestigious Ivory League school, Hebrew U, rather than the men-of-the-earth Brick Tech.
… he would naturally have majored in Commandumental Law and been the president of the Hebrew Law Review.
… he would have, upon ascending to power, worn Joseph’s coat-of-many-colors, eaten his lamb chops, sworn on his scroll, and ridden in his chariot.
… he would have usurped the Pharaonic Throne after taking up the Hebrew brick-maker’s Cause and declaring that Egypt needed “Change the slaves could believe in” and then…
… he would have done nothing to improve their situation.
… he would have, however, upbraided the straw bosses as “stupid officers.”
… he would have anointed a Chief Elder to the SPOTUS (Supreme Pharisees of the United Slaves) who had refused to promote qualified bricklayers because they tested better than others by actually knowing that bricks were made with mud.
… he would have visited with the SPOTUS and made sure they understood that slaves have no standing to demand to see his birth papyrus.
… he would have proposed a Stimulus Plan that would have involved 787 billion bricks to prop up the sagging Hebrew adobe market.
… he would have had his #2, Bid Aaron, go on record as saying, “We misread the hieroglyphs. We need more bricks.”
… he would have appointed Tithe scofflaws to oversee the recovery efforts.
… he would have sped to Alexandria in his Horse Power One chariot to explain to the gathered leaders why the Hebrews should be allowed to sponsor the Summer Slingshot Olympics by talking about himself… oh, and the disadvantaged Hebrew children. The committee would not be impressed.
… he would have had his high priestess, Oprahmirriam, in tow to wave the palm poms as his #1 cheerleader. The committee would not be impressed.
… upon returning to his people he would have said, “Bunk! Who needs ‘em? It’s the world’s loss. Too bad though, would have loved to have gone head to head with the Philistines.”
… he would have said, “Hmm, I can use that,” after his confrontation with Pharaoh when the Egyptian leader had retorted, “The audacity! To hope you can strong arm me into releasing your people!”
… he would have told Pharaoh that he’d written a papyrus after having had a dream from his Heavenly father and then…
… he would have bellowed, “Let my people Hope!… for audacious change.”
… he would have squawked when it was revealed that his tome had actually been written by a Holy Ghost writer and then…
… he would have appointed a Ministry of Truth czar when his people started murmuring about this Ghost writer: can’t have perception turning into lies… or truth.
… he would have decried Pharaoh’s claims that his plans for Hope and Change would somehow be bad for the Egyptian people by saying, “Bunk! In my plan there are no death plagues! These are phony claims being circulated in our hieroglyphs and pyramid hall meetings.”
… he would have said after the first plague, “We have to have the other nine now. We cannot delay! The Hebrew people need this now. However, Pharaoh, we could use this as a teaching moment instead.”
… he would have threatened Pharaoh by declaring before the 10th Plague, “I am God’s partner in life and death!”
… he then would have declared, “I am an ultimate 1st Birther believer! All your first born shall perish if you don’t listen to me and what you have to do now!”
… he would have declared the Plagues an HSW disaster waiting to happen (Hebrewpogenic Sahara Warming, naturally).
… he would have taken credit for “green energy” when the tornado appeared between them and Pharaoh’s army at the Red Sea.
… he would have snarked, “Pretty impressive, I got the sucker! I won, shut up, punch back twice as hard!” as the water collapsed on Pharaoh and his chariots.
… he would have followed that statement up with a more conciliatory, “Again, let’s make this a teachable moment.”
… he then would have led the people in a rousing round of an “Obamamoses mmm-mmm-mmm, he’s so good” Kumbaya – “I say you all must lend a hand… to make me #1 again.” In a stroke of originality it would be called “Obamamoses’ Song.”
… he would have gone back and bailed out Pharaoh’s army after they went under and then…
… he would have co-opted the makers of Cadillac Chariots and Sphinxler Motors after declaring them financially unsound after the Red Sea incident.
… he would have declared that the Pharaoh was not a terrorist nor that his Egyptian army were enemy combatants but rather people of conviction and that, in fact, their demise in the Red Sea was a natural disaster brought on by the HSW from his own peoples brick-making industry.
… he could have pronounced the Commandments to the people only if Joseph Bid Aaron had been holding up the Tableta-prompters.
… he would have answered the question, “Moses, have you read all the Commandments yet?”, by replying, “No, I have not yet read all 57 Commandments but hope to do so some day”.
… he actually would have destroyed the tablets a second time – gotta keep that Separation of Clay and State.
… he would have originated a “C&T” tax (Conflagration and Travel levy) on the Hebrew people for employing a pillar of smoke by day and fire by night as they progressed. As with the burning bush, those pillars are a carbon footprint nightmare.
… he would have appointed a Regulations guy to enforce compliance with the tax who, if push came to shove, would tell the murmurers to “stick it where the Sun don’t Stein” if they didn’t like it.
… he would have told the Hebrews that Abraham had been a nice guy and whatnot in establishing the Hebrew people but that his religion and principles were exclusionary and that it was time for a new way and new god. Gotta spread the manna around.
… he would have sensed the moment and established the concept of the all-inclusive Globalist Metro-man: he would have beaten Muhammad to the punch and founded Islam while insisting on being an adherent to a religion whose Savior was still a few millennia off as well as declaring himself “a friend of the Jews”.
… he would have promoted “Promised Land” and delivered “40 years of Wilderness” (wait, that one did happen).
… he would have promised a UHC system (Universal Hebrew Care) – “Manna in every pot”.
… he would have gone on a Sinai Peninsula “Forgive US” tour, begging for forgiveness for all his peoples success and victories along the way.
… he would have been out of country in Cairo on his nation’s Passover Day celebrating their liberation from tyranny.
… he actually would have short-circuited the entire Egyptian matter above by ensuring that the Hebrew nation would never have become “a great people” through the DN’s (Depopulated Nations) Planned Phariseehood, thus allaying Pharaoh’s “The Hebrew Question” angst.
What’s the moral of the story? This whole “God is my co-pilot/partner/whatever, I’m a leader of 300 million, I have songs made about me, I can make Pharaoh bend, I can change staffs in to snakes, ‘hey ya’ll, watch this!’ water parting” thing could go to his head – he might develop a serious GOD COMPLEX. Wait… that’s what has happened, isn’t it? My bad.
I sympathize, BW. It’s still dark and 7 AM, thanks to the attempt to “save” energy by extending Daylight Savings Time and it’s hard to get up.
On the domestic level, the other day a rabbit was sitting very contentedly chewing the last of the lettuce in the garden. There was something rather reassuring in the scene, recalling stories of Peter Rabbit.
My own reading has included some completely escapist space opera efforts by Elisabeth Moon.
The Ky Vatta series is great fun.
And on a non-escapist note-
Despite the human ATM machine’s best efforts, Chris Christy is still in the lead by three points in most local polls in NJ, with two and a half weeks to go. And I understand it is likewise in Virginia.
And there should be a Palin in our future.
Al
I’m kind of late to this post and I also hope that this joke doesn’t offend; But I hope it lifts your (and others’) spirits:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He then proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat, for it is my body.” He did not say ” Eat me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called ” Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
LOL
I am going to paste and send to my list. It’s never too late to make someone laugh.
JKB – …what a great story. LOVED IT. Going to share this one with the world.
Heh. It took me a while, but I found a couple…
http://hoosierboy.blogspot.com/2009/10/true-nature-of-women.html
http://directorblue.blogspot.com/2009/10/cussing-in-church.html
Al, the Repub is up by about 9 in Virginia in the polling average this week. It is amusing to see how hard the Dimocrat Gubernatorial candidate is running from Obama; and how hard Obama is running away from him. Mutual antipathy society.
It is also satisfying is that Deeds, the Dim candidate, beat Terry McAuliffe in the primary.
Cheers me up.
Great joke Charles. I will also borrow it.
Charles,
I could share the same pew with you. I can definitely break bread with your thread and sup from the same cup.
The monsignor was definitely filled with something besides the Holy Ghost. Howev’ah… his parishoners may have mistaken the moment for Pentacost and speaking in tongues.
The trouble with political jokes is they keep getting elected.
Power gets people elected. And that has never been a joking matter. Unless you had none and either had to suck it up or kill yourself for the lack of.
Copied from Grim’s comment section.
A couple of Eastern-bloc favorites of mine -
Stalin loses his pen one evening. He calls the Minister of the Interior and barks – “Find that pen!” An hour later, he finds the pen under his couch, and calls back to let the minister know -
“But, comrade Stalin, we’ve arrested 110 suspects, and 103 have already confessed…”
***
(If you know the Stalinist habit of rewriting scientific and technical history – to put Russians in the forefront of everything.)
Museum guide: “Now, over there is a statue of Vasil Vasilyevich Vasilov, who invented the jet airplane. And over there is a statue of Josef Vissarionovich Stalin, who invented Vasil Vasilyevich Vasilov.”
***
A couple of Soviet citizens are standing on a street corner, watching the American and Soviet ambassadors drive by in their official cars – Cadillac and Limo. They strike up a conversation:
“So, which would you rather have – a Cadillac or a Lada?”
“Oh, the Lada, definitely the Lada.”
“Then you can’t know very much about cars.”
“Oh, I know all about cars. But I know nothing about you.”
****
Grim might appreciate one from Czechoslovakia – based on the legend that King Wenceslaus and his knights sleep below Mount Blanik, waiting to save their native land in its hour of need (like Arthur under Avalon). The Czech president, Novotny, was out of town – and the riddle was, why?
Answer: He’s running around Mount Blanik, shouting, “Don’t you get nervous, boys! Don’t you get nervous!”
Joseph W. | 10.17.09 – 2:05 am | #
A socialist, a capitalist and a communist agreed to meet. The socialist was late. “Excuse me for being late, I was standing in a queue for sausages.”
“And what is a queue?” the capitalist asked.
“And what is a sausage?” the communist asked.
* * * * * * * * * *
Are we living under True Communism yet, or are things going to get worse?
* * * * * * * * * *
When Nixon visited the USSR, Brezhnev showed him the latest in Soviet technology — a phone from which it was possible to call Hell. Nixon called the Devil. The conversation cost only 27 Kopecks.
Upon returning to America, Nixon told everyone about the Soviet marvel. But as it turned out such a phone had been invented in America a long time ago. Nixon again called Hell, but this time the conversation cost 12 thousand dollars!
Nixon, visibly upset, cried, “But in the USSR a phone call to Hell costs only 27 kopecks!”
“Yes sir, but there it was a local call.”
BillT | Homepage | 10.17.09 – 6:24 am | #
Gravatar Most Chinese humor doesn’t translate well, because it is word play depending on the tremendous number of like-sounding words. That’s pretty decent satire, though.
So Chinese humor is based on puns?
MikeD | 10.17.09 – 1:40 pm | #
Gravatar See, Mike, in Chinese each of the thousands of characters of the language has a single syllable that is the verbal form of it. There aren’t any more vowels in Chinese than in other languages, but they have managed to multiply them by adding “tones,” that is, whether your voice is going up, down, up and down, or being “flat.” Even so, if you’re stuck with monosyllables as your building blocks, there are going to be a lot of words that sound exactly alike, and a lot more that sound almost alike (the difference between a rising tone, and a rise-and-fall tone, for example).
So, punning is much richer in Chinese than in English. Even Bill can only make a certain number of puns; but in Chinese, you can make a pun out of every word in the language.
I can only hint at how funny this is with the following true story:
Shortly after we arrived in HangZhou, we found a little place that claimed to serve hamburgers. After we’d been in China a few more weeks, I began to feel a little homesick, so I thought I’d order one and see how it compared.
The fellow came over, and asked what I wanted. I told him that I would like a hamburger.
He replied, “Ah, hamburger, mayo.”
“Fine,” I said, not wanting to argue. “Mayo on the burger will be fine.”
“Er,” he said, “Hamburger… mayo.”
“Yes, bring one,” I said.
He looked flummoxed. “Hamburger… mayo.”
At this point, I noticed my wife laughing up her sleeve at me.
Mei You means “Do not have” in Mandarin. In HangZhounese, it’s pronounced exactly like our short form of “mayonnaise.”
Now imagine that kind of confusion possible with every word in every sentence, and you can begin to see why this is a major form of humor.
Grim | 10.17.09 – 2:20 pm | #
Oldflyer,
Even more good news from Virginia.
Charles,
Am I correct in saying that the attendance of the second Sunday service of the new priest you
mentioned was double of the first?
And was the collection plate doubled also?
I would have paid for that.
And it would have warmed my heart for the rest of the month.
(But I would have used Bombay Gin instead of vodka)
The Spirit moves in mysterious ways.
Al