Sex and the next generation of young immigrant women — by guestblogger Lulu

Some days seem to crystallize some of our society’s more discouraging trends. In my mental health work on the front lines I see a great deal of what the chattering classes cluelessly opine about. Today, for some reason, I saw, one after the other, a series of young women with similar problems and, as I spent time with them, I found myself thinking sadly of the things they had in common. (Some details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals described, but one feature they all have in common is that they are either illegal immigrants themselves, or the children of illegal immigrants.)

I spent a great deal of time today talking with a young woman who was asking for help with her nine year old son. He was out of control. Defiant and oppositional, even in elementary school, he refused to do his work or get up in the morning to get ready for school. He preferred to hang out outside with other kids, some of them older. Mom admitted that she had not paid much attention to him. She let him go outside because she couldn’t deal with him.  She also couldn’t deal with his father. She was totally overwhelmed by her responsibilities.

The problem was that she was way too young to shoulder these responsibilities. Heavily pregnant with her fifth child, this 23 year old woman had three others under the age of five. Remarkably, she was still with the 33 year old former gang member who father the nine year old.  The father, now toiling away at several jobs to support his ever growing brood, spend almost no time with them.  The children were growing up fatherless, though there was a father, and virtually motherless, though there was a mother.

The relationship of the mother and father began with illegal sex between a young minor and a grown man. From the age of 14 and her pregnancy, she lived with him, playing house with a live child, as she grew up. Perhaps because he had been a man, not a teenage boy himself when he got involved with his child-girlfriend, the father did not abandon the mother. But, like so many men who choose children to dominate, he kept her subjugated and trapped under his patriarchal thumb.

Shortly after this meeting, I coincidentally met with a large group of teenage girls who wanted to learn about how to feel more empowered. None of them knew what a healthy relationship was, how to say “no” to unwanted advances,or even  how to plan for a better tomorrow.

I looked around the room. Quite a few of the girls were pregnant. One I remembered well from my previous encounters with her. My heart sank to see her expanding belly. She was only 15, unbelievably immature, extraordinarily angry. She was the kind of girl who got into fights and picked on other kids. She was desperately wounded inside. Her dad had abandoned the family when she was small. The mother left her with other relatives and never bothered to call. She had not been nurtured or cared for, making her exactly the sort so needy for love that she would run after any show of affection.  Sadly, “any affection” always ends up being sexual.  A baby will love her, right? It will be someone, her damaged core dreams, she can keep.

The girl is perhaps borderline retarded, perhaps just never taught how to think by her miserable upbringing. Who knows who the father of her baby is. Will he last more than a few months in her life, if he is even still around? Surely he won’t stay. She is hard to love or even like, thanks to her rage.

Over and over I have found that the girls I meet who are the least emotionally ready and capable of being parents are always the ones who end up pregnant the youngest. What makes them a burden on society is also what makes them a draw to the sleazy guys — often, grown men — who see their vulnerability and sexual availability. And none of these girls, ever, think of adoption.

I then meet individually with another young teenager, sobbing because she has just miscarried. She has been sexually active since she was twelve when she was date-raped, though she does not realize then that, when he forced her to have sex, that was rape. She has an absent father and an emotionally absent mother and the guys that offer her affection in exchange for sex sex sort of compensate for the deep emotional wound she carries. She knows that she is not ready to be a mother, but the loss of the pregnancy that shouldn’t have been, and the loss of the 35 year old lover, who now sits in jail, makes her weep.  She needs to grow up, to have a future. She needs a mother to nurture her, a father who takes the time to be a presence so she doesn’t have to find love in the arms of an adult sleazebag. The medical professionals who saw her gave her advice on safe sex and contraception. No adult, at home or in school, or in medical offices has ever told her that she could wait or even say no. They just figure she is having sex anyway.

I have found that the group of young girls is hungry for the permission to say “no.”  Their attitude isn’t about how much they enjoy teenage sex. It is about how pressured they feel, how sex is the only way they can have a boyfriend, and how they are aware that women have lowered the standards for guys and that the guys themselves have been lowered.

These children learn in school how to have safe sex, but they are not taught about commitment, nor about emotional and social responsibility. The thinking that predominates in the schools is that teaching values is judgmental. The educators cannot comprehend that teaching these girls that all teenagers are sexually active is, in fact, also teaching a value. These girls are the victims. They want guys who respect them and they never meet them.

The girls admit they accept crumbs from guys because otherwise they won’t have boyfriends. There is no such thing as restraint or protective love, or even courting. Everything ends up in a sex act — oral, vaginal.  “Dating” boils down to getting together and humping. The girl hopes this will lead to love and commitment or dreaming that the sex is a sign of love and commitment.  The boy is king of the world, a rooster strutting among his hens.

The whole day saddens me. I am sad for our society for the burden all these people place on taxpayers. We are paying for the social crises that a generation has transported across our border without our consent.  As a compassionate person I feel for their sorrows and deprivations and try to help as best I can, but as an American I cannot help but feel some resentment that this burden should be here at all.

I am certain that at least some of these innocent babies will become everyone’s problem. At least some will become the children in foster care, juvenile detention, and prison. At least some will receive free breakfasts and lunches in school, food stamps, public assistance, and time and attention from gang units in the police department, defacing our public buildings with graffiti and filling our streets with gang warfare. They will be high school dropouts or marginally skilled and marginally educated.  At least some will sell or use drugs, or become parents themselves at young ages. The babies will be US citizens, but they will live on the fringes.

Throughout the day I observed the toll and burden of illegal immigration on this country, and I observed the sorrowful emotional toll of the utter collapse of courtship and sexual restraint on our youth. Certainly, their physical desires are not stronger than any generation of young people that preceded them. Rather, they are inundated with messages, by their celebrities, TV shows, music, internet culture and on and on, messages not of self-control and dignity, but of sexual hotness. They learn that if a guy waits two months for sex it is a really long time, because the expectation is that no waiting is necessary.

Sex is empty. It is loveless, though she may think she is in love.  It is a tragic consequence of the sexual revolution that ended formal courtship and replaced it with the human equivalent of dogs humping. It lowered men and debased women, and the innocent little babies born to these needy, immature, sexually active, under-nurtured, lost young  souls makes me truly sad. Everything is backwards. First sex. Then a relationship . . . maybe. Then maybe, after a few kids, marriage one day — if they are still together.

One thing I’m sure of, after pondering about the young women I saw today and the societal message they have — in order to civilize young men once again, our young women will have to believe that they deserve better, and to refuse to sleep with men who, aside from the minimal necessity of an occasional flattering word, treat the girls like a hole in the mattress, rather like  a cherished person. The girls must be whole in order to insist that the men be whole as well.

[Bookworm here, adding one link that graphically illustrates the terrible economic consequences flowing from the social devastation Lulu describes.]

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  • suek

    “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.”
    So what happens when there is no hand rocking the cradle?
    Remember when the feminist movement began?  “women should be independent – they should not be considered simply sexual objects.  They have the right to enjoy sex just like a man does”.  Riiiight.  Really showed them on that one, didn’t we!!

  • Charles Martel

    I don’t really see a way out of the sexual chaos that we’ve created or assented to over the past 50 years. The bastardy rate among blacks is more than 70 percent; among the U.S. population in general it’s 40 percent. The concept of courtship is pretty much shot. Women don’t expect it (no matter how much they may secretly yearn for it), and there are too many women who will have casual sex for men to pay any attention to or respect the ones who won’t.

    On an individual level, as they are maimed or scarred from our country’s now rampant STDs, some men and women will learn how to practice selectivity and chastity. But most won’t. Cheap contraception, easy abortion, doting, medicine-dispensing public health agencies, welfare and a leering MTV pop culture will continue to make it easy for people to behave almost any way they want to sexually.

    I think we’re entering an era akin to the late Roman Empire. As the empire spins apart centrifugally, losing cohesion, control, and any morality that can command a widespread allegiance, there will emerge small islands of sanity and self-control—seeds that will sprout as we enter our own Dark Ages. You see it in the homeschooling movement, in the growing number of women who are listening closely to what people like Dawn Eden and Wendy Shalit are saying about the sexual revolution’s destructiveness, in the growing vibrancy of Jewish and Catholic orthodoxy, and in the quietly developing secessionist movements in Texas and parts of the Far West.

    I pray, but don’t really believe, that those little points of light will be enough to turn the tide and make Lulu’s young women believe in their right to be treated decently and lovingly.

  • Mike Devx

    Good God, Lulu and Book… are things REALLY this bad out there?  What you have described, Lulu, is a nightmare civilization headed for collapse.

    I am reminded of our Christmas classic, “It’s A Wonderful Life, and alternate universe that was Pottersville.  A town of joyless, luckless, loveless people.  A town in collapse, though no one knows it, no one can see it, for they are on the inside and participating in the collapse.

    I live a life sheltered away from the society that Lulu describes.  A homebody whose family lives in another state, secure and very content with a close, small group of friends and my coworkers.  The nightmare Lulu describes is passing me by unobserved, unencountered.  Mine eyes have been widened…  What a horrifying dose of reality this was to read.  But I say thank you to Lulu, for she describes it so well and so clearly and so honestly.

  • Ymarsakar

    This has been organized. It wasn’t an accident and it wasn’t a mistake. It was intentionally. They were set up to intentionally fail in this manner. All the better to accrue influence and political power to the ruling elites.
    None of this is coincidental once you look deeper beyond the surface. Somebody benefits. And in benefiting, they gain the resources to perpetuate the problem.

  • Ymarsakar

    And people say the Left is harmless. Another lie to go with their claim about Vietnam deserving to lose.

  • Danny Lemieux

    Yet, people can make their way out of poverty from even the worst circumstances.
    After many years,  we recent reconnected with one of my daughter’s childhood friends, someone very bright with many gifts to give. The reason we connected, after the families had moved away from our previous “‘hood”, was that we discovered that she was in jail with a heroin habit, after stealing huge sums of money from her father to support her habit. She knows she completely screwed up and that it is going to be a long, tough road back. We are helping her with this.
    We know that it started with a totally dysfunctional family – a remote father and a drug addict mom – both with no idea at all of how to raise kids. It ended in divorce when this girl and her sister were very young. Custodianship fell to the always absent father (divorce is absolutely devastating to kids). The result was entirely predictable. I happen to believe that most problems in society and the world have to do with the pathologies of adults being passed on to kids. My wife and I, together with another couple from the ‘hood, are trying to break that cycle for this one person — to teach them a new and better way of living. That’s all we can do…one person at a time. So far, she has been very self-aware, receptive and committed to repairing herself. Religion has been a very positive influence. Only time will tell whether she is successful.
    Oh, and by the way, this girl was not raised in poverty…she came from a well-to-do upper middle class family. We see many of these pathologies in our upper-middle class area, with a different twist: the parents tend to be obsessed with wealth, materialism and social climbing and so let their kids run wild. Heroin is a huge problem in our area because the kids can find the money for it. Promiscuity is also rampant, but these kids’ families can afford abortions. The difference with the situation Lulu describes is that these families are better insulated against the consequences. That being said, the consequences of divorce and single parenthood are also devastating to these kids and many will cycle back into poverty once their families’ resources run out.
    Charles, I believe that pre-Victorian England and much of the U.S. at the time were rife with many of the same pathologies and breakdowns. I suspect that, in our life times, we will see a hard backlash against the values of the “roarin’ 60s and ’70s”. These things tend to cycle. I hope so, anyway. Maybe it can start with assessing severe financial and other liabilities on any kid or adult that willingly or knowingly creates a child. Things won’t change until we reintroduce the concept of shame and penalties for bad behavior. On an individual basis, it’s hard-hearted, perhaps, but the alternative social landscape so eloquently described by Lulu is far worse.

  • Ymarsakar

    Society can fluctuate and cycle between one extreme and then another like a pendulum. The issue is, that can only happen if you are not invaded and conquered by a foreign power. Without military strength or cultural dominance in this world, the chances of the US surviving long enough to let the pendulum swing the other way is not so assured.
    After all, Byzantim and Constantinople never got that chance. They didn’t switch from Christianity to Islam and back again. They stayed what their conquers stayed as.

  • Scott in SF

    I dislike that this post conflates the issues of illegal immigration and the problem of human depravity.  They are indeed conflated in the real world but conflating them will cause half of the population to dismiss them.
    The same goes for conflating sexual freedom or the freedom to divorce with human depravity.  Conflate the issues and your arguments will be dismissed.
    This is just partisan culture war non-sense; if one group of moralists were to get their way over others, American freedom would cease to exist.    (Brain dead liberals, meet your cousins: brain dead conservatives.)
    However, we all agree on this basic issue:
    Human depravity has always been with us and it always will be.
    1.  Sometimes it can be reduced by good mentoring.
    2.  When that fails we have the option to isolate the individuals we believe are depraved and attempt to control their environment while rewarding them for good behavior.  This is what is usually called ‘behavior modification.’    (The presumption of this model is amoral, it simply sees depravity as a lack of self control.)
    3.  We can punish those who we believe are depraved either with violence, loss of freedom, or public humiliation.  (The presumption here is that resorting to 1 or 2 will not work; Or that punishment has a morally corrective effect on others.)
    There are no other options!!!
    I think, across the board, everyone agrees that good mentoring is the way to go!  My only contribution is to say that ‘programs’ which pay people to be mentors will always be woefully inadequate.   You can not pay someone enough to be a good mentor, it is too much work.  Way too much work.  To improve the human condition (and that is what we are talking about) we have to share the value that mentoring should be a part of every successful person’s life.  If we could get the partisan culture wars out of the argument we might be able to move forward on this, otherwise, not.
    Whether to utilize method 2 or 3 from above is a judgment call.  Such a decision  should be made by someone with experience, but it will often be controversial.  In my opinion 2 is much better than 3, especially when dealing with social depravity like impulsive sex or drunken violence.  2 may work some of the time on asocial depravity like heroin addicts who kill for money or violent rapists–but most of the time we need 3 for that.
    This is not a new issue, read the Founder’s take on it:
    “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. –That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.”
    Or Laozi:
    The best kind of teaching is like a shadowy presence.
    The next best is kindness and reward,
    After that, fear and punishment,
    And finally, just cut them off.

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  • suek

    >>We can punish those who we believe are depraved>>

    Who is “we”, and who decides what is depraved?

  • Mike Devx

    Scott in SF says,
    > The same goes for conflating sexual freedom or the freedom to divorce with human depravity.  Conflate the issues and your arguments will be dismissed.

    I have to disagree.  The dominant memes in a society or civilization are what controls the behavior of most of the people in that society.  For far too long, a form of “freedom” that represents societal anarchy has been the dominant meme, rather than a form of “freedom” that promotes individual responsibility along with that freedom.  In other words, freedom without responsibility is the liberal game, and it’s been in control for far too long.  Freedom with enforced responsibility is where conservatives ought to go.

    The huge question is, how do you “enforce” responsibility?  I suspect you don’t just pass a bunch of laws and expect them to work.  (That’s what the Democrats have been trying to do during these rancid Obama-Pelosi-Reid years 2006-present, and it hasn’t worked out well for them, has it, ramming their laws down the throats of the American citizens who wanted nothing to do with their crazy agenda.)

    Certainly the reintroduction of individual shame into our society would help.  There are those who think that personal shame is destructive.  I totally disagree.

    There must be other ways as well to strongly promote individual responsibility within a culture.  You can’t merely rely on individuals mentoring individuals in the face of societal anarchy and total abandonment of societal promotion of individual responsibility.  Those individuals trying to fight the anarchy tide are like people on the shore of the ocean, spooning teaspoons of water into a cup.  It’s not enough.

    Just as we have to fundamentally change Washington D.C. to effect real political change to save this country, we have to fundamentally alter our society as well.

  • Danny Lemieux

    The huge question is, how do you “enforce” responsibility?  I suspect you don’t just pass a bunch of laws and expect them to work.

    I agree, MikeD. The flip side of this is, how do you stop government enabling bad behavior. Government has made it easy to bear children out of wedlock, even incentivized it, by promising to use other peoples’ money to “support” those children. Although I don’t know if this still occurs, there was a time when government cut benefits when unwed mothers decided to marry the the fathers of their children. Why do you need families if the government has promised to provide all the life support?

    The trap we are in is that it is now so easy to attack those that promote cutting off such benefits as heartless…and yes, it may be heartless to the individual whose benefits get cut but the overall harm to an entire class of people has been incalculable.

  • Scott in SF

    Not caring for and not protecting children is the depraved act.  Out-of-wedlock is a vague correlation that is also associated with increased numbers of girls attending college.  Just stop the non-sense.
    We do have a non-governmental option, one that people on the left and the right agree works.  It’s called mentorship, and it could be a heck of a lot more widespread than it is today.  It is of course possible to be more systematic about mentorship, to create free volunteer institutions which promote mentorship like the girl scouts, but ultimately the responsibility is yours.
    If we can spontaneously create the tea party in a year, we can improve the lives of all children over three.  (Without spending a dime, ha, ha.)
    And don’t give me this “society is falling apart” line.  Crime is way down, every kid has access to a computer and a cell phone, the US economy is still the envy of the world, and our military is still powerful beyond any ever seen- ever.  As Thomas Sowell put it, everyone’s medical care is better and cheaper now than it was in the 1960’s, no matter who you are.
    Freedom comes with responsibility, conservatives need to learn that lesson too!

  • suek

    >>Out-of-wedlock is a vague correlation that is also associated with increased numbers of girls attending college.>>
    So…you’re saying that the huge difference between white illegitimate births and black illegitimate births is due to all those black women going to college???
    >>Not caring for and not protecting children is the depraved act.>>
    And that’s it?  That’s the entire definition of depravity?
    Who determines the extent and parameters of “caring for and protecting” children?
    >>It’s called mentorship, and it could be a heck of a lot more widespread than it is today. >>
    Who decides what mentorships should be directing young people to do or not do?  What standards are mentors supposed to be encouraging?

  • Ymarsakar

    MikeD makes some good points and his perspective on macroscopic societal issues and microscopic individual limitations is accurate, as far as it goes.
    The issue with mentorship is that it does not work when children cannot join the mentor’s adult hierarchy. Children have their own world and customs but adults have a different world and different rules.
    If a mentor existed that could start from junior high and end in college, with the requisite individual joining the mentor’s company, hierarchy, social circle, or enter into a professional relationship with said mentor, then it would work. It would work, it would spread, and it would grow roots from the ground up.
    But it doesn’t work that way. Precisely because there are forces in America that wish to keep power to themselves and they don’t particularly like sharing such power and influence with upstarts that weren’t born from the Ruling Class. Thus children are kept in schools to keep them out of the way of adults and no effort is given to integrating the future of children into the day of Today. Instead, Democrats see such children gardens as a resource to be siphoned and exploited for Democrat power, union recruits, death cult membership, and so on and so forth.
    This is not exclusive to the Baby Boomer generation, who ostentatiously had problems with figures of authority and thus never learned how to handle the reigns of power peacefully nor learned to receive power legitimately transfered to them from the Old Guard. It’s not just them. It’s all the generations that came after them too, that they influenced, corrupted, and taught to despise themselves and their country.
    “Crime is way down”
    Due to Libs cleansing America of black babies via abortion. Coincidentally, the housing bubble got a lot of low income ghetto neighborhoods to move out to “make it on their own”. Then they got bankrupted. Crime didn’t “decrease” in big cities. The Democrats just exported them to the suburbs. The wave of criminal activity in such suburbs reached critical mass when a specific number of ghetto victims and criminals inhabited said neighborhood.

  • Ymarsakar

    It’s one reason why Democrats were so big on low income housing and forcing banks to give out loans to high risk people, you know. They got to export their voters elsewhere, which benefited them politically. The party of crime and criminals, you may say. Sure Democrats profited from Fannie Mae, but they also had a longer term plan in motion.
    If we can spontaneously create the tea party in a year, we can improve the lives of all children over three.

    Only if you use the Tea Party model. But government, teacher union bureaucrats, and such won’t let you. You think they’ll let the Tea Party take over the youngins and start forming an army of youths which will then be recruited into the Tea Party?
    Won’t work otherwise, which is why they will not allow it to work in the first place. This is not just a case of copying the Tea Party and everything will work out. Things are more complicated than that. It always is in the world of adults.