Karl Rove has written a WSJ op-ed, the title of which is “Obama’s Campaign Will Take the Low Road.” I haven’t even read Rove’s piece — which I’m sure is good — but I already know he’s right. Obama’s campaign will take the low road because there is no high road. After almost three and a half years in office, he doesn’t have a record on which to run. Wait. That’s untrue. He does have a record on which to run. It’s a record pitched to a narrow demographic that would take pleasure if Obama gave the following speech:
My fellow Americans, I’m proud to come here before you and to tell you what I’ve done so far as President and what I plan to do if you elect me again. On the economic front, I’ve increased America’s debt more than any other president in history. I’m proud of that, and I hope to beat my own record in my second term. Working with a compliant Congress, I’ve also put into place policies, including ObamaCare, that ensure frightened employers who will not hire, a stagnant economy, and a shrinking labor force.
If the Supreme Court upholds ObamaCare, you can be sure that I will continue to attack religious institutions, to drive private doctors and hospital out of business, and to work hard to make sure that Americans enjoy the same glorious health care that our Cuban friends now rejoice in. If the Supreme Court strikes down ObamaCare, I promise two things: court packing and renewed efforts to socialize America’s health care system in a way that will pass muster from my new 14-justice Supreme Court (10 of whom are guaranteed to be bona fide Progressives). I have been assured that a properly constituted Court will be able to reconcile ObamaCare with the “accommodations” that religious organizations must necessarily make to ensure free health care for all Americans, including free and full contraception, abortion, and euthanasia.
On the energy front, I’ve worked hard to ensure that ordinary Americans will pay $5.00 per gallon of gas, and I promise to double that amount if you reelect me. I’ll also ensure that more and more taxpayer funds are diverted to subsidize cars and solar panels that only rich people can afford, to provide loans to windmill and solar companies that I guarantee will stay in business for at least three months after spending these monies, and to help countries such as Brazil engage in massive oil drilling activities, creating a reserve that Americans can import at great expense at some later date. I also promise that America will never be tainted by cost-effective Canadian oil. I’m sure that the Chinese, when they purchase that oil, will not use it in a way deleterious to American interests. In my second term I will also continue my current policy of barring any drilling and exploration whatsoever on federal lands. I also will work to make fracking illegal.
I’m especially proud of my record on race relations. During my presidency, I’m happy to report that I’ve finally corrected the pendulum swing that started in the Jim Crow south, with the government persecuting blacks; that then hovered in a meaningless middle where the government tried to treat races equally; and that is now heading to its correct position, one that sees African Americans as a permanently protected government class, with a secondary protected class of some Hispanics (not Cuban-Americans), and a tertiary class of remaining non-white people who are not conservatives. I promise you that, in my second term, with my new 14-justice Progressive Supreme Court, the Constitution will be correctly interpreted to mean, as the Founders undoubtedly intended, that all Americans are equal, but some Americans of color are more equal than others. The current hostility between races is merely a necessary by-product of this constitutional correction.
We’ll also see even more foreign policy successes in my second term. I will not flag in my efforts to realign American foreign policy around a Turkish-American alliance. The Arab Spring is currently progressing as I had hoped, with the Muslim Brotherhood making significant political strikes throughout the Muslim world, especially in Egypt. I optimistically predict that, in my second term, Israel, should she still exist, will be prevailed upon to return to her 1947 borders and to hand Jerusalem over to combined UN-Egyptian control. This move should effectively neutralize the nuclear threat that Iran poses to Israel (should she still exist). I have assured European leaders that this realignment, along with Israel’s retrenchment within her original borders, will placate Iran, making any concerns about Iran’s long-range nuclear weapons unnecessary.
I’m happy to report that European leaders are fully supportive of my efforts regarding Israel (should she still exist). Iran has also assured me that, with Israel disabled or gone, and with the world increasingly independent on Middle Eastern oil, Iran and other Muslim countries will subsidize the European economy in exchange for some small religious and civil concessions. My dear friend Vladimir Putin has also promised that, in return for America’s agreeing to give him a free hand when it comes to the Eastern European countries, he will not attempt to repeat the Soviet takeovers of Poland, the Czech Republic, Hungary, or other Eastern Bloc, er, democratic nations.
I also promise that, in my second term, I will keep America’s southern borders open. I know, and you know, that there is no such thing as an illegal immigrant. There are only future Progressive voters, and we’ll work hard to make America an inviting place for these new non-legal, voting citizens. To that end, I will continue to send hand guns over our Southern borders to the drug cartels and to ignore the rising tide of Communism in certain Latin American countries. Doing so will ensure that Latin America continues to be an impoverished, unstable continent that, rather than keeping its citizens at home, provides America with a steady supply of exploitable cheap labor and assured Democrat votes.
To those of you who have been disappointed with my performance during my first term, I can promise you that, if you give me a second term, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Thank you, and Allah, er, Marx, er God Bless America.