Channing Tatum’s epic spoof of the epic split

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If you haven’t yet seen Jean-Claude Van Damme’s “epic split” commercial for Volvo, you must. You know that I don’t get excited about commercials, but this one blew my socks off.

So, have you seen it now? Good. Then you’ll enjoy this Channing Tatum spoof, which sees him in his role as “Jenko” for the upcoming 22 Jump Street sequel:

The best “manly man” Craigslist car ad ever

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To some, it just might be a plain-old Jeep Wrangler Sahara with 155,000 miles on it.  But if this website is to be believed, to one man in Texas, the car he was selling was much more than an object that gets you there and takes you back.  It is the ultimate emblem of old-fashioned American manliness:

I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie Jeep” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT & POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world.

You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie cutter Jeep son. This thing was forged from a single block of all American Tungsten Steel. Real sturdy! From that day forward my life has never been the same. Winch yourself off that couch and see if you can handle this Jeep Wrangler Sahara.

So if you are looking for a rice burning hatch back, a solar powered liberal mobile, or even a Hyundai crossover keep on looking my friend this thing is a piece of red white and blue Americana Machinery.

This baby’s pulse is pumping 4.0 liters of uncensored raw fuel through her straight six nuclear power plant. And rest assured this is no metro feminine automatic. . .you command her to obey, with your calloused hand planted firmly on the shifter. And she will obey, the first time, every time. If you can’t handle your stick shifter, or reach the clutch pedal, you better not ferry skip over here wanting to test drive her. If you stall her out, you can count on getting hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back where you came from.

It has A/C but are you kidding me….Really! If you want to blow the sweat off your brow, you do it the old fashioned way: doors off, top down. “What if it rains?”. . .You whiney bitch! I told you to stop reading. . . Any man who drives this beast doesn’t give a damn about rain. Not even skin melting acid rain, Cause he’s already dripping wet in blood, sweat, dip spit, and fish guts.

If you are looking for the kind of jeep that has to be pansy parked in the garage, so the “carpet doesn’t get wet and soggy” Then you should plant your Obama sticker on some Japanese piece of shit. Cause this thing has drain holes in the floor and rhino lined to let the blood drain out from the buffalo you just killed, with your bare hands. Because you are William Wallace from Braveheart and when you get home you can leave your “sissy sponge glove car wash kit” in the pink bucket it came in. Go ahead and spark up your 6000 psi heated pressure washer on the dually trailer in your man cave, cause you are Tim Gillespie and you can pressure wash your truck on the inside. She’s got rhino lined floors with a full roll cage in case that buffalo comes back to life while you’re doing 80 over some mountain pass or flooded river.

If you’re thinking about Mexican chrome bumpers for her, think again. The bumper bashers come hand forged in a blacksmith shop in Franklin County over a wood burnin fire, out of 4 inch well casing, and railroad tracks and then I welded em to the damn chassis. That way if you get deployed you can piggy back this war wagon on a deuce and a half and chain her down tight from the four corners, so you don’t lose her when your convoy gets hit by a taliband roadside suicide bomber.

And forget about putting one of those “It’s a Jeep Thing. . .You wouldn’t understand” stickers on this machine cause when you’re spotted in this American Classic there will be no questions, no further explanation required, people will understand and get out of your way. . …real quick.

If you think you’re ready to park this panty hauler on your tract of land. If you buy this jeep you better go get your old lady ready for some damn changes around your lair, cause this shit will be happening. What will be Happening? Glad you asked….

1. More chest hair.
2. You’re growing a beard.
3. Meat Only Diet.
4. T-Rex for a pet.
5. You’re taking a job at the lumber mill.
6. Your car carries five kegs.
7. Penis enlargement.
8. Catch more fish.
9. Wire bristled toothbrush.
10. Sex in the yard.
11. Sex in the garage.
12. All male offspring.
13. Chiseled jaw line.
14. Not giving a damn.
15. Flesh turning to steel.
16. Higher salary
17. Promotions.
18. Better looking wives.
19. Better looking mistresses.
20. More golfing
21. More killing stuff.
22. More dead animals in the KITCHEN freezer.
23. More tools in your garage.
24. Bigger TV
25. Wife takes out the trash
26. Four Wheel Drive
27. Wife brings trash can in from road.
28. Wife stops bitching about clothes on floor.
29. Wife stocks fridge with beer.
30. Chuck Norris.
31. John McCain
32. Steaks for dinner.
33. Winning the Lottery.
34. Women on the side.
35. Wrestling with bea
36. Building shit out of stone.
37. Riding Lawn Mower.
38. Bon Fires in cul-de-sac.
39. Bar Fights.
40. Wife picks you up from Thee Gentlemen’s Club.
41. Craftsman Tools.
42. Jay Bisset.
43. Welding stuff.
44. Digging holes.
45. Huge Piece of meat.

Put your GPS back in your purse.

Sounds good doesn’t it?

This jeep has carried me through 155,000 miles of battlefield twice as gruesome as the second half of the movie “300″. . ..And just like a trusty steed this juggernaut has never left me stranded. If you think you’ve worn her out you drag this beast back to me in any condition. And Ill handle the rest.

But if you think you’re going to get to whip this mule you better pony up Sixty Five Hundred Dollars. . .American Cash. I’m not selling you this car unless you are clearly a pure blooded American Species, so don’t even think about it.

 

Problems when speaking another language

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I’ve confessed before that, despite growing up with multilingual parents, I speak only English.  I actually do blame my parents for my limitations.  (Usually, I think we need to take responsibility for our own failings, but this one is 66% Mom and Dad.)

When I was little, my parents insisted that we speak only English, because they wanted to keep German as their “grown-up secrets” language.  Then, when I hit junior high school and had to take a foreign language, they insisted I take German (I wanted to take French) so that they could “help” me.  Unfortunately, their help consisted of two things:  (1) “I can’t help you with that because, even though I speak it, I don’t know all these grammatical terms” and (2) “Oh, you dummy!  How can you get that wrong?”

The result was that I hated learning languages and was agonizingly self-conscious.  Add to that my innate laziness, and you’ve got someone who speaks only English.  Ironically enough, I have a good ear and can pronounce most European languages very well.

In any event, this video, which has people speaking English with the common mistakes learners make in a foreign tongue is silly and funny:

Texas Republican humor

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Got this one from a relative. Made me laugh.

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted.

We don’t let just anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.

“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy.”When can you start?”

Re Obamacare, Pelosi was right when she promised America that “you’ll have to pass it to see what’s in it”

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Earl has been too busy to blog here lately, but he did pass on to me something wonderfully funny that he heard on the radio.  (And yes, I am encouraging Earl to use up as much of his free time as he likes to write wonderful posts here.)

Without further ado, this, from Earl:

Before Obamacare became law, Nancy Pelosi famously said “We’ll have to pass it to see what’s in it” – check YouTube if you doubt.

This afternoon, someone called Lars Larson’s show and said he’d been thinking about that quote for a while, and it had finally hit him: “That’s not a bill….that’s a stool sample.”

I thought Lars was going to lose it…when he could speak, he told the caller “You’ve skated RIGHT up to the line of what gets by on this show — thanks so much for your input, and I’m going to remember that for the next time I talk to a promoter of the law!”

Corgis on their backs

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When I got my first corgi, back in 1974, few Americans had ever seen the dog that was the Queen of England’s favorite breed.  People would often come up to me and ask if my dog was a Sheltie with a genetic defect.  One excited little girl thought I had a rabbit on a leash.

How times have changed, as this corgi homage video shows: