Keanu therapy — and things that are even worse

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I’m having a “less than halfway through recovery” slump. I’ve taken a careful and, arguably, scientific approach to dealing with the slump: chocolate ice cream and repeated viewings of Keanu Reeves in Speed.

Keanu Reeves

I now know what it feels like to be an addict on a bender. I’ve clearly hit rock bottom.

I was going to remark rhetorically that the only question remaining is how much lower I can go for the next four months, but I think I already have my answer — I’ve now started watching Magnum, p.i. I’d be watching the Love Boat if it was on streaming Netflix. I’m clearly regressing.

The problem with online multiple choice questions

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Periodically, Facebook is suddenly flooded with multiple choice tests from Buzzfeed or Gawker or even a scientific outfit, all of them promising to tell which Disney princess you’d be; or if you’re an introvert or an extrovert; or if you have a specific regional accent; or if you should be reading War and Peace instead of Harry Potter.  I find all of these tests, whether silly or serious, useless.  They do not allow for any nuance or thinking outside of the box.

Apparently I’m not the only one who has problems with multiple choice tests that don’t reflect actual reality or, at the very least, my reality.  I’m just grateful that I’m not at a stage in life where stupid multiple choice tests affect my employment.  I also have one more reason to support my strong belief that I never want to go back to school — any school — again.  I’m a happy autodidact who doesn’t need to struggle with poorly drafted, ambiguous, stupidly conceived tests.

Illinois versus Oklahoma

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oppositesIt was a crazy day today (not bad, just crazy), so blogging wasn’t happening.  At points, I was so busy, I had to remind myself to breathe.  Friends still sent me emails, though, including this one, which Zhombre forwarded to me.  I have no idea whether the facts are true, although I can tell that the Illinois part was written not long after Rahm Emanuel became Chicago’s mayor.  Without having fact-checked it, I offer it to you as is:

Part 1—Illinois

Some interesting data on the State of Illinois … There are more people on welfare in Illinois than there are people working. Chicago pays the highest wages to teachers than anywhere else in the U.S., averaging $110,000/year. Their pensions average 80-90% of their income. Wow, are Illinois and Chicago great or what? Be sure to read till the end. I’ve never heard it explained better. Perhaps the U.S. should pull out of Chicago? Body count: In the last six months, 292 killed (murdered) in Chicago. 221 killed in Iraq; AND Chicago has one of the strictest gun laws in the entire US.

Here’s the Chicago chain of command:
President: Barack Obama
Senator: Dick Durbin
House Representative: Jesse Jackson Jr.
Governor: Pat Quinn
House leader: Mike Madigan
Atty. Gen.: Lisa Madigan (daughter of Mike)
Mayor: Rohm Emanuel
The leadership in Illinois – all Democrats.

Thank you for the combat zone in Chicago. Of course, they’re all blaming each other. Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any! Chicago school system rated one of the worst in the country. Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

State pension fund $78 Billion in debt, worst in country. Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

Cook County (Chicago) sales tax 10.25% highest in country. Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

This is the political culture that Obama comes from in Illinois. And he is going to ‘fix’ Washington politics for us?

George Ryan is no longer Governor, he is in prison. He was replaced by Rob Blagoyavic who is, that’s right, also in prison. And Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. resigned a couple of weeks ago, because he is fighting to not be sent to… that’s right, prison.

The Land of Lincoln, where our governors make our license plates. What?

As long as they keep providing entitlements to the population of Chicago, nothing is going to change, except the state will go broke before the country does.
“Anybody who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian.”

Don’t forget Detroit, another good example…

PART 2—Oklahoma

Oklahoma is the only state that Obama did not win even one county in the last election… While veryone is focusing on Arizona’s new law, look what Oklahoma has been doing!!!
An update from Oklahoma:

Oklahoma law passed, 37 to 9 an amendment to place the Ten Commandments on the front entrance to the state capitol. The feds in D.C., along with the ACLU, said it would be a mistake. Hey this is a conservative state, based on Christian values… HB 1330

Guess what… Oklahoma did it anyway.

Oklahoma recently passed a law in the state to incarcerate all illegal immigrants, and ship them back to where they came from unless they want to get a green card and become an American citizen. They all scattered. HB 1804. This was against the advice of the Federal Government, and the ACLU, they said it would be a mistake.

Guess what… Oklahoma did it anyway.

Recently we passed a law to include DNA samples from any and all illegal’s to the Oklahoma database, for criminal investigative purposes. Madam Pelosi said it was unconstitutional SB 1102

Guess what… Oklahoma did it anyway.

Several weeks ago, we passed a law, declaring Oklahoma as a Sovereign state, not under the Federal Government directives. Joining Texas, Montana and Utah as the only states to do so.  More states are likely to follow: Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, Carolina’s, Kentucky, Missouri, Arkansas, West Virginia, Mississippi and Florida. Save your confederate money, it appears the South is about to rise up once again. HJR 1003

The federal Government has made bold steps to take away our guns. Oklahoma, a week ago, passed a law confirming people in this state have the right to bear arms and transport them in their vehicles. I’m sure that was a setback for the criminals. The Liberals didn’t like it — But….

Guess what… Oklahoma did it anyway.

Just this month, the state has voted and passed a law that ALL drivers’ license exams will be printed in English, and only English, and no other language. They have been called racist for doing this, but the fact is that ALL of the road signs are in English only. If you want to drive in Oklahoma, you must read and write English. Really simple. By the way, the Liberals don’t like any of this either

Guess what… who cares… Oklahoma is doing it anyway.

Is it really time for a penguin Santa?

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Russian icon depicting St Nicholas with scenes from his life. Late 1400s or early 1500s. National Museum, Stockholm.

Russian icon depicting St Nicholas with scenes from his life. Late 1400s or early 1500s. National Museum, Stockholm.

I always find it funny when people claim that an image of Christ appeared in their tortilla or the mildew on their bathroom wall, because these images invariably look like the imagined Christ from 15th century northern European paintings.  At a guess, Christ was dark (Semitic looking) not fair, but everything else is unknown and, in this life, unknowable.

The intersection between pop culture and actual history (known and unknown) has now hit Christmas:  a black gal thinks it’s time for Santa to be de-humanized into a black-and-white penguin so that no particular racial group in America feels slighted by that embarrassingly white Santa we currently have.

My feeling is that, if that gal wants to market a line of black-and-white Santa penguins, more power to her, and I hope she profits from her efforts.  St. Nick was born a Greek, and was almost certainly neither black nor white himself (probably just swarthy).  He would surely be as amused about a penguin Santa, as he would be about his American incarnation as a fat, red-clothed, white-bearded white man who drives a flying sleigh and slides down chimneys.

Penguin in Santa hat

 

Channing Tatum’s epic spoof of the epic split

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If you haven’t yet seen Jean-Claude Van Damme’s “epic split” commercial for Volvo, you must. You know that I don’t get excited about commercials, but this one blew my socks off.

So, have you seen it now? Good. Then you’ll enjoy this Channing Tatum spoof, which sees him in his role as “Jenko” for the upcoming 22 Jump Street sequel:

The best “manly man” Craigslist car ad ever

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To some, it just might be a plain-old Jeep Wrangler Sahara with 155,000 miles on it.  But if this website is to be believed, to one man in Texas, the car he was selling was much more than an object that gets you there and takes you back.  It is the ultimate emblem of old-fashioned American manliness:

I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie Jeep” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT & POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world.

You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie cutter Jeep son. This thing was forged from a single block of all American Tungsten Steel. Real sturdy! From that day forward my life has never been the same. Winch yourself off that couch and see if you can handle this Jeep Wrangler Sahara.

So if you are looking for a rice burning hatch back, a solar powered liberal mobile, or even a Hyundai crossover keep on looking my friend this thing is a piece of red white and blue Americana Machinery.

This baby’s pulse is pumping 4.0 liters of uncensored raw fuel through her straight six nuclear power plant. And rest assured this is no metro feminine automatic. . .you command her to obey, with your calloused hand planted firmly on the shifter. And she will obey, the first time, every time. If you can’t handle your stick shifter, or reach the clutch pedal, you better not ferry skip over here wanting to test drive her. If you stall her out, you can count on getting hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back where you came from.

It has A/C but are you kidding me….Really! If you want to blow the sweat off your brow, you do it the old fashioned way: doors off, top down. “What if it rains?”. . .You whiney bitch! I told you to stop reading. . . Any man who drives this beast doesn’t give a damn about rain. Not even skin melting acid rain, Cause he’s already dripping wet in blood, sweat, dip spit, and fish guts.

If you are looking for the kind of jeep that has to be pansy parked in the garage, so the “carpet doesn’t get wet and soggy” Then you should plant your Obama sticker on some Japanese piece of shit. Cause this thing has drain holes in the floor and rhino lined to let the blood drain out from the buffalo you just killed, with your bare hands. Because you are William Wallace from Braveheart and when you get home you can leave your “sissy sponge glove car wash kit” in the pink bucket it came in. Go ahead and spark up your 6000 psi heated pressure washer on the dually trailer in your man cave, cause you are Tim Gillespie and you can pressure wash your truck on the inside. She’s got rhino lined floors with a full roll cage in case that buffalo comes back to life while you’re doing 80 over some mountain pass or flooded river.

If you’re thinking about Mexican chrome bumpers for her, think again. The bumper bashers come hand forged in a blacksmith shop in Franklin County over a wood burnin fire, out of 4 inch well casing, and railroad tracks and then I welded em to the damn chassis. That way if you get deployed you can piggy back this war wagon on a deuce and a half and chain her down tight from the four corners, so you don’t lose her when your convoy gets hit by a taliband roadside suicide bomber.

And forget about putting one of those “It’s a Jeep Thing. . .You wouldn’t understand” stickers on this machine cause when you’re spotted in this American Classic there will be no questions, no further explanation required, people will understand and get out of your way. . …real quick.

If you think you’re ready to park this panty hauler on your tract of land. If you buy this jeep you better go get your old lady ready for some damn changes around your lair, cause this shit will be happening. What will be Happening? Glad you asked….

1. More chest hair.
2. You’re growing a beard.
3. Meat Only Diet.
4. T-Rex for a pet.
5. You’re taking a job at the lumber mill.
6. Your car carries five kegs.
7. Penis enlargement.
8. Catch more fish.
9. Wire bristled toothbrush.
10. Sex in the yard.
11. Sex in the garage.
12. All male offspring.
13. Chiseled jaw line.
14. Not giving a damn.
15. Flesh turning to steel.
16. Higher salary
17. Promotions.
18. Better looking wives.
19. Better looking mistresses.
20. More golfing
21. More killing stuff.
22. More dead animals in the KITCHEN freezer.
23. More tools in your garage.
24. Bigger TV
25. Wife takes out the trash
26. Four Wheel Drive
27. Wife brings trash can in from road.
28. Wife stops bitching about clothes on floor.
29. Wife stocks fridge with beer.
30. Chuck Norris.
31. John McCain
32. Steaks for dinner.
33. Winning the Lottery.
34. Women on the side.
35. Wrestling with bea
36. Building shit out of stone.
37. Riding Lawn Mower.
38. Bon Fires in cul-de-sac.
39. Bar Fights.
40. Wife picks you up from Thee Gentlemen’s Club.
41. Craftsman Tools.
42. Jay Bisset.
43. Welding stuff.
44. Digging holes.
45. Huge Piece of meat.

Put your GPS back in your purse.

Sounds good doesn’t it?

This jeep has carried me through 155,000 miles of battlefield twice as gruesome as the second half of the movie “300″. . ..And just like a trusty steed this juggernaut has never left me stranded. If you think you’ve worn her out you drag this beast back to me in any condition. And Ill handle the rest.

But if you think you’re going to get to whip this mule you better pony up Sixty Five Hundred Dollars. . .American Cash. I’m not selling you this car unless you are clearly a pure blooded American Species, so don’t even think about it.

 

Problems when speaking another language

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I’ve confessed before that, despite growing up with multilingual parents, I speak only English.  I actually do blame my parents for my limitations.  (Usually, I think we need to take responsibility for our own failings, but this one is 66% Mom and Dad.)

When I was little, my parents insisted that we speak only English, because they wanted to keep German as their “grown-up secrets” language.  Then, when I hit junior high school and had to take a foreign language, they insisted I take German (I wanted to take French) so that they could “help” me.  Unfortunately, their help consisted of two things:  (1) “I can’t help you with that because, even though I speak it, I don’t know all these grammatical terms” and (2) “Oh, you dummy!  How can you get that wrong?”

The result was that I hated learning languages and was agonizingly self-conscious.  Add to that my innate laziness, and you’ve got someone who speaks only English.  Ironically enough, I have a good ear and can pronounce most European languages very well.

In any event, this video, which has people speaking English with the common mistakes learners make in a foreign tongue is silly and funny:

Texas Republican humor

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Got this one from a relative. Made me laugh.

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted.

We don’t let just anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.

“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy.”When can you start?”