Texas Republican humor

Got this one from a relative. Made me laugh.

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted.

We don’t let just anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.

“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy.”When can you start?”

Re Obamacare, Pelosi was right when she promised America that “you’ll have to pass it to see what’s in it”

Earl has been too busy to blog here lately, but he did pass on to me something wonderfully funny that he heard on the radio.  (And yes, I am encouraging Earl to use up as much of his free time as he likes to write wonderful posts here.)

Without further ado, this, from Earl:

Before Obamacare became law, Nancy Pelosi famously said “We’ll have to pass it to see what’s in it” – check YouTube if you doubt.

This afternoon, someone called Lars Larson’s show and said he’d been thinking about that quote for a while, and it had finally hit him: “That’s not a bill….that’s a stool sample.”

I thought Lars was going to lose it…when he could speak, he told the caller “You’ve skated RIGHT up to the line of what gets by on this show — thanks so much for your input, and I’m going to remember that for the next time I talk to a promoter of the law!”

Corgis on their backs

When I got my first corgi, back in 1974, few Americans had ever seen the dog that was the Queen of England’s favorite breed.  People would often come up to me and ask if my dog was a Sheltie with a genetic defect.  One excited little girl thought I had a rabbit on a leash.

How times have changed, as this corgi homage video shows:


California Progressives commit one of the best inadvertent puns I’ve ever seen

The one thing you can count on with Progressives is that anything that happens in Washington, D.C. — any legislation, any election, and any legal decision — is a reason to go out and beg for money.  Within hours of the Supreme Court decision that effectively strikes down Prop. 8, making gay marriage legal in California, a group called “Courage Campaign” sent out an email begging for money and, in the process, created one of the funniest inadvertent puns I’ve seen in a long time:

VICTORY! Now let's leave no gay behind

If you haven’t caught what makes it so funny, here’s a hint: read the very first line aloud:

VICTORY! Now let's leave no gay behind2

Hat tip: Sadie

What’s happening at the White House? I’ll tell you what’s happening at the White House

Tom Elia, who blogs at The New Editor, sent me a wonderful joke:

When Barack Obama met with Queen Elizabeth II, the Queen of England, he asked her . . .

“Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

“Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered… “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good.” said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.

“Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.”

He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, “Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question.”

“Shoot Joe.”

“Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Paul Ryan answered, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

Biden smiled, and said, “Good answer Paul!”

Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama.

“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Paul Ryan!”

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”

. . . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE

Caption contest: What were they seeing or what were they saying?

Ace found a marvelous picture from today’s ceremony for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library.  His post caption is perfect:  “I Don’t Know The Backstory and I’m Content Not To.”

I agree with him, but I also think I picture like this demands a caption.  What were they looking at?  What did they just hear?  What are they saying?  You all are some of the wittiest people I know.  I just have to open this one up to you.

Barack Obama and Barbara Bush

American troops and Miami Dolphin cheerleaders breath new life into “Call Me Maybe”

It’s been an endlessly slow process, but I no longer hate Carly Rae Jepsen’s Call Me Maybe.  This video sealed the deal, because it’s got something for everyone.  Put it on full screen viewing so that, if you like the guys, you can keep your eye on the upper left hand side of the screen, and if you like the gals (in this case, Miami Dolphins cheerleaders), you can watch the lower right hand side of the screen.  Put together, the eye candy is surprisingly charming:

A little humor for you as you head into your weekend

Courtesy of Earl:

A Wisconsin farmer named Ole had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company, a Harley Westover Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot attorney questioned him thusly:

‘Didn’t you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?”

Ole responded: ‘vell, I’lla tell you vat happened dere. I’d yust loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’

Ole said, ‘vell, I’d yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin’ down da road…. ‘

The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the attorney: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie’.

Ole said: ‘Tank you’ and proceeded. ‘vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit my trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn’t want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin’. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike showed up. He could hear Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin’ too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’

‘Now wot da fock vud you say?’

Why Pope Francis was the Cardinals’ second choice

I received this fascinating, back-story email from a friend.  Please read it through to the end, as it includes an important summation:

Jorge Mario Bergoglio was not the Cardinals’ first choice to be the new pope, and to become Pope Francis. Their first choice was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting bombers until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine’s air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy. They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.