There’s a certain inevitability to the fact that a President who continuously surrounds himself by Grecian columns, and who takes in stride the fact that his followers attibute to him God-like powers, would want to be closely associated with the Olympics. You and I think sports. He thinks of his true home, Mt. Olympus.
But still, the thought of a Chicago Olympics is a bit, well, hard to swallow. As you may recall, the Salt Lake City Olympics were profoundly damaged by corruption problems. That would be small potatoes, though, compared to what will inevitably emerge from any such event held in Chicago.
I wonder how many people still remember that Al Capone’s home in Cicero, Illinois, was (a) a suburb of Chicago and (b) home to most of the big-time Chicago mobsters. The old mob may be gone, but the corruption lingers on. Bring into Chicago a multi-billion dollar operation like the Olympics and the mind boggles at the opportunities for organized crime. Given how much Obama owes his friends back home, though, it’s entirely possible that this is precisely what he wants.
UPDATE: Charles Martel’s contribution is too good to leave hiding in the comments:
Chicago, August 12, 2016. Star Jamaican sprinter Alonzo Swift is stretching before the finals of the 100 meter dash, which he holds the world record for at 9.54 seconds. He is approached by a track official, Vinny Shakisha Lumumba Costello.
Alonzo: “What’s up, mon?”
Vinny: “I wuz wondering if I could aks you a small favor.”
Alonzo: “Sure, mon. What is it?”
Vinny: “Well, you know dat Mayor Daley’s son, Bobby, is running against you. How do you think he’ll do?”
Alonzo: “Not too well, mon. Bobby’s clocked an 11.68, so I’d say he’s going to have a bit of trouble.”
Vinny: “Well, Mayor Daley was hoping you might be able to help out.”
Vinny: “Well, da mayor called me a few minutes ago and said that several members of your family—your mom, three sisters, two brothers, a coupla uncles, a niece, a nephew and your grandmothers are all missing.”
Alonzo: “What are you talkin’, mon?? They’re all at home in Ocho Rios watchin’ me on the big screen. Missing, heh.”
Vinny: “No, I’m telling you that somebody has kidnaped all of dem. Of course, us being 2,000 miles away, dere’s nuttin’ the Chicago P.D. can do.”
Alonzo (looking shook): “Well, mon, what could you do anyway?”
Vinny: “Well, it turns out that the perp is aksing that you let little Bobby win the race and he’ll release your 42 relatives.”
Alonzo (disgustedly): “I can’t throw no race, mon.”
Vinny (lets out long sigh): “I understand, you have scruples, man. I admire that. But, say, how much are mass funerals going for in Jamaica these days?”
Headline in next day’s Chicago Tribune:
Bobby Is Da Man, Flies by Swift to Take the 100 Meters!
Though slowest time in 100 years, 12.4 is enough to garner the win
Photo caption: U.S. President for Life Barack “Daddy” Obama places a laurel wreath on Bobby Daley’s head after his stirring surprise victory in the 100 meters.