Dear Citizen — by guestblogger Danny Lemieux

Form Letter to be Issued to Select List of Candidates:

From the Office of United States Department of Health, Welfare and Human Life Services

September 22, 2021

[Social Security #]
[Address – 1]
[Address – 2]

Dear Citizen [Social Security #]:

Peace be upon you.

Our actuarial records indicate that you have achieved a life expectancy of [years] beyond the average life expectancy of your fellow citizens. Your longevity serves as a testament to the generosity of your government’s wise investments in health care made during this Administration. Now it is time to give back.

From this point onwards, our computer models indicate that your demands upon the resources of your government and fellow citizens are projected to increase rapidly as you approach the final chapter of your natural life. It is also necessary to acknowledge that you ceased becoming a net contributor to society upon reaching your mandated age of retirement of 79 years.

Today, our nation faces an unprecedented crisis as your fellow citizens still fail to meet their economic obligations to an economy and health care system severely damaged through the selfish actions of the previous Bush Administration. Our records indicate that your demands upon the government and your fellow citizens now exceed your net cumulative contributions to society. Under the recent Balanced Budget Act of 2021 approved by your constitutionally appointed Democrat Peoples Party congressional representatives, your medical and government pension benefits will henceforth be reduced progressively in order to better address your continued obligations to our most victimized citizens.

You will soon receive a prescheduled obligatory visit by your appointed ACORN representative to discuss the various options whereby you can make one more very generous contribution to your fellow citizens of the world. You are encouraged to carefully consider these options before making the choice that you feel will best accommodate your societal obligations. We understand and sympathize that this will not be an easy decision to make.

To help encourage you to make the right decision, we are pleased to inform you that, in his benevolence, our Guide and Leader, President Barack Hussein Obama, has signed an Executive Order that authorizes the Government of the United States to extend to you a Special, Time-Limited Offer. Should you opt to volunteer for dignified termination, your Government will recognize your generous contribution to your fellow citizens and the global environment with the following Five-Point Plan:

1. You can enjoy a deeply discounted, tax-free stay for a 30-day period at a government hospice resort located within your state of residence. You shall also be given access to an unlimited supply of Government-inspected drugs of choice to help you transition to termination in comfort.

2. Your immediate family beneficiaries shall be exempted from any and all liabilities for outstanding Lifestyle & Environmental Fairness Taxes due by you to the governments of the United States and the United Nations (limit: two beneficiaries).

3. Each of your immediate family beneficiaries shall receive a one-time, tax-free gift of $40,000 in the form of tradable Gore-Issue carbon credits, in recognition of your final and personal sacrifice in the war against CO2-driven climate change (limit: two beneficiaries).

4. Your designated beneficiaries shall receive a 2.5% tax-free commission on all sales of your organs, tissues or body parts, following termination.

5. Your immediate family beneficiaries shall also receive:

a. A personally signed letter of recognition from our benevolent Guide and Leader President Barack Hussein Obama, for your selfless decision and status as an Esteemed Citizen of the World (unlimited direct family beneficiaries)

b. An iPod collection of our Guide and Leader’s speeches that begins with the voice of our Guide and Leader saying “Michelle and I wish to personally thank you, Citizen [social security #], for your personal contributions to my administration, our nation and the global community.”

Citizen [Social Security #], time is urgent. As your wise Latina administrator and benefactor, I urge you to quickly skim and approve the contractual terms of this proposal, as this offer is subject to change after 21 days. Please direct any questions to your locally appointed ACORN representative during your scheduled visitation. Should you make the unselfish and socially responsible decision to accept our offer, your ACORN representative shall have available all necessary legal documents together with exciting color brochures explaining the personalized benefits and privileges provided by the many state hospice resorts located near to you.

Sincerely yours,

Esperanza De Color

Czarina – Citizen and Environmental Relations
Dept. of Health, Welfare & Human Life Services

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  • gpc31

    I love it! A “Modest Proposal” meets the Obama administration.

    Christopher Buckley wrote “Boomsday”, a very funny book on this riff.

  • Deana

    My favorite part is that it is 2021 and they are still blaming the Bush Administration.

    You KNOW that’s going to be happening!


    Esperanza De Color

    Oh, you left no stone unturned with that one! Perfecto!

  • Charles Martel


    Just. Spot. On. Damn, you’re good.

    Folks, we gotta send this one around.

  • Al

    Retire at 79? Naw.
    And send it everywhere!
    Great job.

  • johnfromcolumbus


    Please consider submitting this here:

  • Bookworm

    It looks like a fascinating forum, johnfromcolumbus, but I think it’s too short. Of course, if Danny wanted to turn it into a novella….

  • Ymarsakar

    Christopher Buckley wrote “Boomsday”, a very funny book on this riff.

    Didn’t that guy give his political support to Obama?

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