Jewish jokes

I got the following list list of Jewish jokes in an email.  I think most of them originate in one way or another with the old Borscht belt comedians. They’re definitely sexist, but they’re also awfully funny:

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

What are three words a woman never
wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They’re worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won
Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical
school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida and asked “Mom, how are you?” “Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son said, “Why are you so
weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” “The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that Isn’t 20% off.

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Comments

  1. Michael Adams says

    The version of the light bulb joke that I heard was”Why should I bother?  My children never come to visit me anyway.  I’ll just sit here in the dark.”
     
    I heard a lot of good ones years ago, in the ER. The leading pediatric surgeon in Austin was Jewish, and a couple of the ER Docs were, too. When we had  kids badly injured, it got, no surprise here, pretty tense. They made life bearable as we worked to save the children’s lives with outrageous jokes.
     
    What’s the Jewish American Princess’s dream house? Five thousand square feet, no kitchen, no bedroom.
     
    What does the J.A.P make for dinner?  Reservations.
     
    We got into a debate about the origin of  Yiddish word. When I dragged out all my citations, they responded, “Ah yes, just what we’d expect from our cunning linguist.”
     
    The rest of them, I can’t repeat, here.
     

  2. Caped Crusader says

    Nothing better for the soul than good laughs, the more the healthier.. Also, I’ll no longer wonder about Jews and Chinese food. A mystery to me for years.

  3. SADIE says

    The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin
     
     
    This one is for you Michael Adams:
     
    A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable?’
    The man says, ‘I make a good living.’

  4. SADIE says

    Dr. Paula Hyman on Jewish jokes:

    Eastern European Jewish culture did foster an intense style of mothering, which was reinforced by the physical and psychological insecurity of life in the shtetl [the small-town or village community of Jews in Eastern Europe] and later in the immigrant ghettos. Not only was it a style of mothering appropriate to its surroundings, it also served to equip the children for survival, even for success, in an environment that was often hostile.

    Caped Crusader this one is for you:

    A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

    “Yes,” replied the Chinese man, “Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too.”

    The Jewish man replied, “Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old.”

    The Chinese man was incredulous, “That’s impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?”

  5. says

    Jewish mothers can have common sense.

    Sammy made it big in business, and got himself a yacht.  He should up at his mother’s house in full captain regalia. 

    “Look at me, Mama.  I’m a captain.” 

    Mama looks him over carefully.  Then she says, “Sammy, by you, you’re a captain, and by me, you’re a captain.  But tell me — by captains are you a captain?”

  6. Mike Devx says

    Harlan Ellison (SF writer and Jew) had a short story in one of his Dangerous Visions collections.  A Jewish son and mama are living together while he’s trying to help solve this huge emergency with worldwide implications.  While at the same time every time he goes home, mama is hounding him in every way possible with the tiniest things (and criticizing him endlessly).  All in the manner of all these jokes.  Hilarious.
     

  7. 94Corvette says

    A Rabbi, a Priest and a Pastor were talking about the contributions at their respective churches and how they decided how much to keep for themselves. The Pastor said that after the service, he went into his office, drew a circle on the carpet and tossed the money up.  Everything that landed within the circle belonged to the church, everything that landed outside the circle was his.  The Priest said that he did the same thing except that everything that landed in the circle was his and everything that landed outside the circle was for the church.  The Rabbi said that he did the same thing as well but he figured everything that landed on the floor was his and if God needed any, he could grab it while it was in the air. 

  8. Gringo says

    A Priest and a Rabbi were eating together when the priest started to tease the Rabbi.”Wow, this ham is really good” he said licking his lips.”I know it’s against your religion, but when are you going to break down and finally have some.”After a moments thought the Rabbi responded with a smile “at your wedding!” 

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