I’m having a “less than halfway through recovery” slump. I’ve taken a careful and, arguably, scientific approach to dealing with the slump: chocolate ice cream and repeated viewings of Keanu Reeves in Speed.

I now know what it feels like to be an addict on a bender. I’ve clearly hit rock bottom.

I was going to remark rhetorically that the only question remaining is how much lower I can go for the next four months, but I think I already have my answer — I’ve now started watching Magnum, p.i. I’d be watching the Love Boat if it was on streaming Netflix. I’m clearly regressing.