The Tiger Woods apology

I caught teeny bits of the Tiger Woods apology, and was unimpressed.  It was, to my mind, a canned speech.  If I was in his shoes and was intent on making a real apology, it would have gone something like this:

Saying I’m a sex addict is a cop-out.  I am, simply, weak.  I used all of my enormous self-discipline and talent for my sport, and didn’t bother exercising self-control in other areas of my life.  When you have my level of fame, and you don’t look like the back end of a garbage truck, you’re going to discover that hundreds, even thousands of women want to have sex with you.  If I’d been a halfway decent human being, with some sense of loyalty and morality, I would have said no — but I didn’t.  It was easier and more fun to say yes.  Since I’m married, this was a violation of a very b asic duty of honor and loyalty that I owe my wife.

So why am I apologizing to you, the public?  After all, I never promised you that I’d be faithful in my marriage.  I’m apologizing to you, the public, because I played all of you for fools.  You guys are savvy enough to know that most celebrities play around.  We think we don’t have to live by the rules of ordinary people.  Indeed, some of my fellow celebrities are pretty blatant about their bad habits, a blatancy that at least allows members of the public to feel a bit superior to the person who otherwise seems to have such a charmed and glamorous life.

What I did to advance my career was to fool all of you into thinking that, not only am I better athlete and richer man than you, but that I’m also a better person because, despite the fame and money, I was able to avoid temptation.  I sold you a product — me, the perfect, all-American man — that was a complete lie.  And for that fraud, I apologize deeply to you.  I did it for my own advantage, both to drive my professional life and feed my ego, all at your expense.  That was a terrible thing to do.

Even though these words are embarrassing, words are easy.  Acts are hard.  Aside from learning to say “no” to sex outside of marriage, I am also going to take active steps to show my contrition.  I have decided that 40% of my earnings and prize money legitimately belong to me because I am a champion golfer.  The other 60%, however, flowed into my coffers because I sold you, the public, a bill of goods.  I am therefore taking this 60%, equal to ____________ millions of dollars, and giving it to ____________________.

Now that’s a better apology.