The SAG Awards couture: Lumpy, Dumpy, Frumpy, and Tawdry

When it comes to clothes, I settled into my color palette in junior high school.  My favorite color is black; my next favorite is gray.  This is not because I’m a depressed person or into Goth.  It’s because I have absolutely no ability to match colors.

That’s where black and gray come in:  everything goes with them (except brown).  If I put on a black pair of pants, I can pair it with any color top I like.  This is a good thing because my approach to buying tops is as primitive as my color sense:  if I find a top in a fabric I like, in a design that doesn’t make me look plump, I tend to buy it in every color available.

I then wear those five or seven tops for years, right up until they disintegrate.  Once they’re gone, I hunt for another top that I like and buy out all the colors.  I’m not fashionable, but I always look neat, and my colored shirts always match those black or gray trousers.

Which brings me to the Screen Actors Guild (or SAG) awards for 2013.  The Daily Mail has a photo essay showing that the color du jour is black, with a fair amount of white thrown in.  Seeing the headline about black’s triumphant return to the fashion world, I expected to swoon over the various dresses and to wish that I too could have one. Oh, how wrong I was.  The color is good but the styles are awful, just awful.

Julianne Moore SAG Awards 2013

Julianne Moore may well be the worst.  She wore a white dress with abstract, almost 60s-style flowers embroidered around the bottom.  This would be okay but for the fact that the dress has a plunging decolletage that gives a frightening view of her flabby breasts.  Ignore the breasts, and she has no shape at all.  I guess that, when Moore received the invitation to the “SAG” Awards, she took that SAG part literally.

Nava Rivera SAG Awards 2013

Another peculiar costume in the breast department was Nava Rivera’s black dress.  It featured a peek-a-boo cutout (complete with chiffon overlay), that revealed the left half of her right breast, and the right half of her left breast.  She didn’t look voluptuous, she merely looked confused:  Am I selling my acting chops or did I leave the Victoria’s Secret store without putting my street clothes back on?

Jane Lynch, who proudly waves her lesbian sexuality around every chance she gets, opted for a black dress with a pleasantly classic line, except for the leather bondage theme.  Apparently she confused the SAG awards with the Folsom Street Fair.

Anne Hathaway SAG awards 2013

Anne Hathaway, who is a lovely and charming actress, looked like a Barbie doll run amok.  When I was little, I used to layer my Barbie’s clothes:  deep cut this over chiffon that, with a long overskirt complimenting a ridiculously short miniskirt.  I could have dressed Hathaway for pennies on the dollars she spent on her mix-and-match outfit, which included a long skirt, a short skirt, solid fabrics, sheer fabrics, and beaded fabrics.  I get dizzy just writing about it.

The other dresses I saw in the photo essay weren’t bad, but none were beautiful.  They all bespoke too much money, and too little taste.  Collectively,  all of these attractive, wealthy women looked like four of the seven dwarfs:  Lumpy, Dumpy, Frumpy, and Tawdry.

There are years when I look at these Hollywood costume photo essays and wish that, just for one night, I could live the glam life solely to wear a beautiful dress.  Looking at the women from this year’s SAG awards, though, I have to say I’m a lot better off with my current outfit:  black, straight-leg NYDJ jeans and a deep turquoise, round-necked, long-sleeved tee from Target.  Total cost (including the sale price on the jeans): $95.  I look classy, sleek, and comfortable.  Yay, me!

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  • Ellen

    You sound like me.  I have a pair of nice black pants that fit me perfectly and I pair them with all kinds of bright colored shirts, tees and sweaters.  I look pretty good, and best of all when I look at pictures of myself years from now, I won’t be saying “Good Lord, what was I thinking”!!

  • SADIE

    Bookworm, the color commentary was priceless. I am still laughing …”SAG” awards. They’re not so much dresses as they are costumes.

  • Texan99

    What amazes me is how few of these lucky and beautiful actresses can make themselves look as beautiful as the most ordinary movie costume designer can do.  They always look great in their film roles.  Apparently they depend absolutely on others to dress them so as to show off their off-the-charts natural advantages.  It’s also strange how often their posture is slumped in those celebrity shots, but they stand up straight in front of the movie cameras.
    If one of those actresses appeared in a movie wearing one of those outfits, it would be obvious to the audience that it was intended as a comedy set piece about a costume gone wrong.
    Myself, I have no natural beauty to exploit.  I’ll wear any old thing until I tear it to pieces in the garden.

  • Mike Devx

    There you go again, Book… expecting class and elegance from today’s Hollywood.

  • NancyB

    Me too Bookworm – black pants and colored tops – long pants in the winter – cropped in the summer.  Wear until threadbare – toss and try to find the same style again.  Look everywhere to find pants that actually reach my waist and don’t hang below the love handles.  
    These ladies aren’t ladies – they are sleazy – conditioned by culture to believe that exposed private parts reveal their feminity – instead it reveals their inner depravity.
    Speaking of which, even Avon, which used to be a “family” business now has Fergie’s breasts on display in their latest bulletin.

  • barbtheevilgenius

    Maybe Anne thought the long mini skirt would thwart another flash of the camera that she treated us all to about a month ago. Talk about exposed private parts.

  • CrazyJesusLady

    Modesty is about safety, strength, virtue, and future…
    How many of us consciously recognized the deals that we were making when we started choosing what clothing we’d wear?
    Don’t words such as these tell the world that ladies who harp on modesty are all about judgement?
    Though I can understand how, if given the options, “You have to Laugh or Cry,” one might choose “Laugh.”
    “Apparently they depend absolutely on others to dress them,” is a pretty insightful observation, though, I fear.

  • Mike Devx

    There was a time when elegance and grace was the norm.  Only those who were cultivating a rebellious image would depart from the norm with some “shocking” faux-pas or other.  But the faux-pas *is* now the norm.
     
    Me?  I expect any day now, at these awards ceremonies, to be confronted by the sight of a woman wearing a dress/gown with blinking neon bulbs placed over the nipples.

  • http://ymarsakar.wordpress.com Ymarsakar

    http://uk.hellocosplay.com/images/costumes/muv-luv-alternative-cosplay-uniform-2.jpg
     
    Looking at one example of current Japanese aesthetics, it is much closer to 1950s American views than America in 2010.
     
    How is it that a foreign nation has come to be closer to the US tradition than the US itself?
     
    Hollywood, by controlling the standard of beauty, also controls people’s ethics and behavior. Or to put it another way around, that which is true or false, inevitably end up with consequential appearances that fit. Form follows function. Thus how things end up looking and people’s reactions to it, determine what their ideal of beauty is and informs you of what their purpose and functions are as well.

  • http://ymarsakar.wordpress.com Ymarsakar

    The values, ethics, aesthetics, and priorities of those who work in Hollywood’s make up and costume sections are closer to core American values than the alien Hollywood fetish for their particular brand of beauty.
     
    Hollywood essentially trains the actors as future ideological examples for the Leftist cause in the US. Even if you don’t start off impure, you become so the longer you stay with the Hollywood crowd.
     
     

  • http://OgBlog.net Earl

     
    ” I look classy, sleek, and comfortable.”
     
    We’ll be the judge of that!!
     
    The evidence, please……
     
    :-)