Senate hearings for a new judge

In an MTV world, in which the up-and-coming generation has a 3 minute attention span, image is, if not everything, way more important than it used to be — as Obama proved and still proves.  He ran a content free campaign and won because he was new and improved.  Now, he’s running a far left administration and is getting away with it because he’s hip.  Like it or not, in today’s world, no one will listen to your message unless it comes wrapped in a cool, edgy, sardonic package.

Fortunately, we have some cool, edgy, sardonic people in our own camp.  In that spirit, the prediction my friend Charles Martel put forward as a comment in my Friday Morning Open Thread, in which he envisions the probable nature of the hearings for a jurist to replace Souter, is so good it deserves its own post:

Souter2, a black lesbian social justice advocate, goes before Congress to be grilled by Senator Harry Reid before being confirmed to the U.S. Supreme Court:

Reid (slapping a pink triangle on his forehead): “Ms. Shabazz, how would you describe your judicial philosophy?”

Souter2: “My colleagues have always considered me an emanator, Senator.”

Reid (toying with a small-scale model of a Harley Davidson Sportster): “Emanator? What’s that?”

Souter2: “It’s terminology created by Justice Douglas, who although he was a white heterosexist, had his moments of lucidity. He once remarked that all you had to do to find justification for ground-breaking rulings in the Constitution was to understand that the document has ‘emanations and penumbras’ from which issue implied consents for all sorts of novelties.”

Reid (accidentally squeezes, then palms the nipple of the blond page who has just brought him a copy of the Constitution): “I see. But I’m still not clear what the distinction is.”

Souter2: “Well. . .Say, is that a Sportster? My life partner and I both ride Sportsters. In fact, in 2006 we had the privilege of being the lead bikes in the San Francisico Pride Parade’s Dykes on Bikes continge. . .”

Reid (idly inserts finger into right ear, probes): “Uh, Ms. Shabazz, you were explaining?”

Souter2: “Oh, yes. Sorry. An emanator is a jurist who gives off daring new interpretations of the Constitution several times in the course of a day. She ‘emanates.’ As you can see, I am a ‘big girl’ [audience laughs politely at her indirect reference to her occupancy of two chairs], and emanating is just something that comes natural to me.”

Reid (sniffs his finger): “And a penumbrator?”

Souter2: “Penumbrators are far more subtle. In physics, I’m told, a penumbra is far harder to detect than an emanation. The personalities of penumbrators are similarly quieter and more subtle than emanators’. David Souter himself is a master penumbrator—look at the way he fooled the Bushies with his conservative pose! [slaps herself with glee on the thigh then becomes temporarily fascinated as it wobbles for several seconds before coming to rest]

Reid (gazes up at the ceiling trying to look thoughtful, realizes his eyeballs are stuck in a rollback position and begins frantically pssssting to the blonde page, “Two tickets to We’re The Osmonds if you can help me.”): “Well, thank you Ms. Shabazz. I think all of us here can rest assured that the Constitumation, uh, Constellation, will be in good hands.”

People, this is the kind of sardonic, edgy, cutting humor we need to do as part of re-branding conservativism as something we might call “not your fuddy-duddy grandaddy’s type of politics.”