Long day

My mom had a mild TIA today.  She’s doing well now, and they’re checking her meds to see if they contributed to the problem.  I’m optimistic that, while she is aged enough to be ever closer to her Maker, today is not going to be the day.

The whole experience reminded me of something about myself:  I’m good in a crisis, so long as the crisis is not one of my own making.  If the bad thing that happens is my fault (an accident, unpaid bill, missed deadline, lost motion), my whole fight or flight system goes into overdrive.  I neither fight nor flee, trying instead to undo the bad thing I’ve done, but I get the full range of panic responses:  accelerated heart beat, breathlessness, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, cold sweat, and guilt, guilt, guilt, coupled with heavy doses of humiliation, embarrassment and shame.

In a crisis that’s not of my making, though, one that doesn’t see me feeling guilty or responsible, I’m cool as a cucumber.

When I told this to DQ, I said it was embarrassing that I was so self-centered that I only broke a sweat when it involved me.  He said it wasn’t so bad:  it just shows that I’m most troubled when I feel I should have (or should have had) some control over the situation.

Be that as it may, I’m now scrambling to meet work deadlines, dealing with the kids’ needs, and preparing to head back to check on my mom later, so blogging for the remainder of today will be nonexistent.