Proving that bad art can still have a good reason for being, when Rob Merritt saw Cats, he went home and wrote what may be the funniest movie review ever.
Rob Merritt seems to be an ordinary guy who likes movies and has a good sense of humor. That liking for movies is what took him to a theater to see Cats, one of the most critically-panned movies since Ishtar or perhaps Gigli. His sense of humor then led him to write a stream of consciousness Facebook post with his impressions about the movie.
It doesn’t matter whether you’ve seen Cats. Just know that Merritt’s Facebook post is one of the funniest things ever written about a movie. I defy you not to laugh, especially when you read about the audience reaction to Ian McKellan’s action scene:
Just finished watching/surviving “CATS: The Movie” with friends. I’m not even going to try and review it. Instead, I am just going to share random observations from throughout the film:
– Audience of roughly 25 people. For “Cats,” apparently this is a packed house.
– The first cats appear onscreen. Holy crap. I have never done acid. Is this what it feels like?
-THIS MOVIE HAS DANCING COCKROACHES. WHY GOD? AND WHY DO THEY HAVE FACES?
– 10 minutes in, someone down the aisle actually cried out “No, no, please stop.” I am not making that up.
– “Rum Tum Tugger”: This is the first time I have ever seen Jason Derulo start a song without singing his own name at the start of the song. Suddenly the universe feels out of balance.
– We are 25 minutes into this movie, and Rebel Wilson’s line of “Stop milking it” has arrived 24 minutes too late.
– Oh, Jennifer Hudson, you deserve better than this.
– Oh, James Corden, you don’t.
– … aaaaaand James Corden just did a crotch-hit joke.
– How did they talk the cast into this? Seriously, Dame Judi Dench looks pissed off and ready to fire her agent from the moment she enters.
– Also — is Old Deuteronomy the ‘Cats” version of Buffalo Bill in “Silence of the Lambs?” Because she is wearing a fur coat. Which means she is wearing the skin of another cat. Which means … we need to put some lotion in the basket.
– As soon as Rumpleteaser appeared, I flashed back to “Team America: World Police.” Suddenly that monologue about going backstage at “Cats” is far more disturbing.
– Why. Is. There. So. Much. Licking?
– Finally, 45 minutes in, the cat orgy begins.
– This is the weirdest way to start an orgy I have ever seen. And I’ve seen “Eyes Wide Shut.”
– Wait. Is that cat wearing pants?
– TAYLOR SWIFT, WHERE ARE YOU? WE CAME TO THIS MOVIE FOR YOU, BUT SO FAR ALL I SEE ARE BLANK SPACES
– The cats have shoes. And are breakdancing. I don’t know what anything means anymore.
– Jennifer Hudson is singing and emoting her heart out on “Memory,’ and trying her best to bring some actual gravitas to this movie. If only someone would give her a snot rag. Seriously. Guys. Get her a tissue, for the love of god.
– Sir Ian McKellan. Lapping milk out of a bowl in the closet. I … I don’t even know what to say.
– The scale of the cats in this movie makes no sense. One minute the cats are half the height of a human doorway. Next they are so small that they are tap-dancing IN ROWS while standing on the rails of a railway track. Are they two feet tall, or two inches? I question the science here.
– Despite all the madness going on, the lead actress in all this is rather striking. She’s even kinda hot OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE IS MESSING WITH MY BRAIN
– Taylor Swift is finally here. Riding in on the DreamWorks logo while spraying catnip glitter. No, I did not make that up.
– Why does Taylor-Cat have giant cat-boobs? None of the other cats do. I have even more questions about the science going on here.
– I was not prepared for the Idris Elba/Taylor Swift cat-suit sex dance.
– I kid you not — by now, this audience is treating the movie like Rocky Horror and yelling things at the screen. “Try again!” they shout at Mister Mistoffeles, after his fourth straight attempt at magic fails. And when he finally pulls the magic feat off, the whole theater bursts into applause and hooting.
– Covered in fur and snarling, Ian McKellan just pushed another cat off of a boat. Someone in the audience yells “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Whole theater loses it.
– Jennifer Hudson, what are you doing? You.are giving a sincere, genuine, heartfelt performance. Good for you, except … Look around! No one else got the memo! For God’s sake, you just sang your heart out and Judi Dench’s response is to start RUBBING HER HEAD ON YOU
– Again, not making that last one up!
– Hey, what the shit? There is an actor in the background who they forgot to put cat hair on! Just some random pre-CGI dude! Did we not get the update patch on our version of the movie? Or does this mean they have to do ANOTHER fix? God, those poor bastards in animation. They probably never want to see another dancing cat-person as long as they live.
– A few years ago, Idris Elba complained that he hated working on the Avengers movies because he felt they were beneath his dignity. That just popped into my head as I watched him.dangling from Jennifer Hudson’s birdcage while wearing a skintight fur suit and growling. No reason.
– DAME JUDI DENCH, STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL, IT’S CREEPING ME OUT WHEN YOU STARE AT ME LIKE THAT WHILE LECTURING ME THAT A CAT IS NOT A DOG
– At last, the credits. Wait — “Produced by Amblin Entertainment?” Steven Spielberg … knew? He knew this movie was happening? And didn’t try to stop it?
– The movie got a standing ovation. Holy shit. People were chanting “Cats are not dogs!”
– Now we want to see if there is a post-credit scene that has dogs. The world needs an Andrew Lloyd Webber Shared Cinematic Universe.
– I wonder if this is what it felt like for the very first audiences to ever see “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”
– If this becomes the next Rocky Horror, I don’t even want to think about the props that will.be thrown at the screen. Surely milk, catnip and Taylor Swift CDs will be involved.
– It is over. And all I want to do is go home, pet and cuddle Jackie, Danica and Max, and beg for their forgiveness. I hope they do not kill me in my sleep for my species having inflicted this film upon theirs.
– And yet at the same time, I am strangely impressed by the sheer bollocks that it must have taken to put something this totally bonkers on the screen. For all its faults — and oh, there are so.many faults — there is a certain charm.in a movie that waves its freak flag without an ounce of shame.
– Still, I am going to see some really weird shit in my dreams for many nights to come, thanks to this experience. Thanks so much for that, Tom Hooper.
– As I started the car to drive home, Z102.9 was playing “I’m.Not Alright” by Loud Luxury. You feel me, Loud Luxury. You feel me.
Header image: YouTube screen grab