Shocking assault allegations against Senator Mazie “Shut Up” Hirono

An anonymous woman has penned a searing, emotionally powerful accusation that Senator Mazie “Just Shut Up” Hirono assaulted her.

Mazie HironoI received an email from an anonymous source raising disturbing and serious claims about something Senator Mazie “Just Shut Up” Hirono did some time ago. Because the accusations are so serious, I’m grateful that modern journalistic and political standards mean that there’s no problem just because I don’t actually know Anonymous nor have I questioned her or anyone else to try to confirm her claims. As it is, we know from the New York Times’ recent conduct, and the media’s approach generally to anonymous or other thinly sourced materials, that these claims are credible and automatically meet all journalistic standards without further corroboration.

Also, please don’t worry about the missing facts or logical inconsistencies in Anonymous’s statement — a statement that no one forced her to make and that will subject her to demeaning, hate-filled, misogynistic demands for more corroboration. While the email is obviously lacking a few facts about time, place, witnesses, etc., and the author was apparently several drinks into the day when the events described occurred, the powerful emotion burning through the email tells me that every word Anonymous says is absolutely true. As Democrats in and out of the media repeatedly tell us, it is now mandatory for us to believe a woman’s assault narrative without any further proof and irrespective of the accused person’s denials.

With the new rules in mind, I hope you appreciate how serious the following letter is:

Dear Bookworm,

I am writing to you because I have nowhere else to turn. I know you are a lawyer. Maybe you can help me.

I tried calling my senators, Diane Feinstein and Kamala Harris. They fight for women. They said that we have to believe what women say about assault. But they wouldn’t even listen to me!

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. It hurts so much. I am re-traumatized just looking at my smug abuser sitting in power. But no one cares. Kamala’s office said my timing is “inconvenient.” Diane Feinstein’s office wouldn’t even let me talk. They shut me down!!! They believe women, but they won’t even listen to me! I am crying so hard I can barely type but I can’t anymore. I just can’t.

Seeing my abuser day in and day out pretending to care about women, pretending to listen, pretending to believe, has stirred up old painful feelings like never before. I need to get it off my chest. This is my #metoo moment.

Mazie Hirono assaulted me. It happened when I was on vacation in Hawaii with my boyfriend. I don’t remember which year but I was young and beautiful and desirable. She saw me and was jealous. It was in a bar. I forget which one. I wish I could remember which island it was, but fear has made me disassociate from the experience. I just can’t remember where. Or when. But I know it was in Hawaii and it was definitely Mazie Hirono. Of that I’m sure.

I was sitting at the bar in a floral hibiscus sundress. I smelled of coconut oil. My boyfriend sat by my side. My hair was down and flowing. I was drinking a lava lava and he was drinking a mai tai. I was relaxed and the bar was all Hawaiian chill. All of a sudden the door burst open and in walks this person looking for trouble. It was Mazie. She ignores everyone in there and walks straight up to me and pokes me on my chest. She kind of yells at me, “What are you doing here, haole? You don’t belong here.” Then she pushed me and said, “Get out, haole. This is my bar.”

My boyfriend told her to stop but she told him to shut-up. She said men needed to just shut-up. Then she said something I’ll never forget, “Hey Tyrone- you let me handle little Miss Tiffany over here.” My boyfriend’s name isn’t Tyrone and mine isn’t Tiffany but she was racially stereotyping us! My boyfriend is black and I’m white.

“My name isn’t Tiffany and his name isn’t Tyrone!” I yelled. She cursed at me and then she pushed me to the ground. I could feel her stale boozy breath on me. My boyfriend came to help but she slashed him with her knife. (Sadly, he passed away last year and cannot testify, but he remained traumatized by the experience until the end! He had recurrent nightmares begging her to please not cut him).

He passed out and couldn’t help me. I felt so alone. No one helped me. They were all afraid of Mazie. Then she slapped my face and tried to kiss me! I struggled. She was so gross! Her breath stank of pineapple and liquor. She pawed at me and then she told me she always got what she wanted and that she wanted me. I screamed “no” over and over but no one could hear me over the jukebox playing “Over the Rainbow,” on the ukulele at full volume. She pushed me down and slapped me again. She wouldn’t stop! I was screaming and crying. No one helped. No one saw.

Finally she got tired of slapping me and told me to wait for her while she went to the bathroom or she would kill me. That’s when I ran out, dragging my unconscious boyfriend after me. We couldn’t get far so we hid in the bushes. I was so scared! I have never been so scared!

Mazie came out of the bar. She was insane, screaming. “Where’d you go, haole bitch! Let me show you some real loving!” I was shaking. I could barely breathe. She raced around like a madwoman, slashing tires and keying cars. Fortunately she didn’t slash my tires (we had a rented car). Thank God! I was so relieved. I thought maybe I might be able to get away and survive this ordeal!

Then a friend of hers arrived. He looked a lot like Cory Booker, but I can’t be sure. It was dark. He looked drunk . Or maybe high. Mazie said, “Hey T-bone,” to him and then sold him heroin! Or maybe he sold her heroin. I can’t remember exactly. My memory is a little fuzzy because of the trauma and my intense fear. I really thought they would kill me! And I could be dead!

I am willing to testify. This monster has no business being in the senate. And she is guilty. My story is the absolute truth. Why would I share anything so awful if it didn’t happen. I have nothing to gain and only my privacy to lose.

Thank you Bookworm for hearing me out! We women must stand together!

Signed Anonymous

Because Democrats daily show that their ideology depletes their intellectual resources, let me state clearly what I implied in the opening paragraph of this post: The above letter is satire. (It’s really sad to think that, once upon a time, people reading Jonathan Swift’s Modest Proposal knew without being told that it was satire.( So far as we know, Mazie Hirono has not drunkenly assaulted a mixed race couple in a bar — although obviously she could have done so.

I wish I could claim authorship for that letter, but I can’t. I received it from a brilliant friend who is disgusted by the Democrats’ retreat from the due process norms that elevated our American culture above paranoid, vindictive totalitarianism (of the type seen from Nero to Henry VIII to Stalin t Mao) and created a true, liberty-based humanism, as exemplified by our Constitution (or as Kamala Harris called that towering humanist document when speaking to Judge Kavanaugh, “that book you carry”).